Answer from Mark Ort:
Preacher, children are a blessing from above, but they can be a total pain in the butt. Dan says that these kids really aren't people until they become adults. I agree, it will take time for these kids to learn and figure things out. How do we treat these kids with respect when their actions don't deserve it? How do we love when they hate and despise you? Sure, Jesus did it and demonstrated the ultimate display of love, but I'm not Jesus. I feel overwhelmed and defeated. It's just always a battle and maybe I "won" an argument, but I don't feel like I am winning. Any advice for handling difficult children? How to respect people that don't respect you? Hope/encouragement for the weary? Thanks
If we literally view our own children as less than ‘people’, we are already undermining a healthy relationship with them. Of course we recognize from scripture (Psalm 126:3-6) and from personal experience that children are a gift and blessing from the Lord. We should view our kids as precious and valuable! But at the same time, we also acknowledge that dealing with them is often difficult. While there is great reward in being a parent, there is also disappointment, pain and heartbreak which can quickly descend into discouragement.
Discouragement is a deadly arrow from the adversary, aimed straight at the heart of the Christian’s joy. An easy way for a parent to get discouraged is to allow the enemy to convince them that they are failures.
Paul says in Romans 15:4, “For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope”. He is referring to the Old Testament here, where many passages are plain and simple narrative. When we read the Old Testament, part of the learning process should include going after PRINCIPLES that will give us HOPE.
And so to find some hope and encouragement in parenting, we turn to two Old Testament books, Proverbs and Exodus, to see if there are principles to help in the midst of the difficulties and weariness.
Train Up a Child - Proverbs 22:6
The wise writer of Proverbs says, “train up a child in the way he should go”. Ten simple words, but full of instruction for parents. Training a child involves an investment of time, energy, love and patience. To know ‘the way’, a parent must know the child. We are not to train the child as if he or she is going OUR way. They have their own trail they must blaze. They have a path that is unique to them. It should be obvious that they have different tastes, different likes, different friends, different culture, different hopes and dreams than we do. Of course we should train them in God’s ways, giving biblical instruction and advice. To raise them up 'in the way they should go' requires us to enter into their world. Parents must always be engaged in finding out their child’s interests, discovering what excites them and what they are good at. And as long as it doesn’t conflict with godly principles, parents must show them how to pursue those things with all their might. It might be music. It might be basketball. It could be gardening or cooking. You might not like basketball or cooking, but support them anyway, encourage them. Help them go after their dreams. When we kick against our children’s interests, they will kick against ours. They need to know that they are important and that they matter! Unconditional love and support (while standing firm in God’s truth) goes a long way in maintaining a healthy parent/child relationship. Even if our kids reject our love and support, we can take encouragement in knowing we did what God called us to do in raising them. Even when they hate us, we love them anyway, knowing that we too were once enemies of God and objects of His great compassion (Romans 5:8-10).
Fight and Pray - Exodus 17
In this chapter, the Amalekites came out to fight against the children of Israel. Moses gave orders to Joshua to fight, while he went to the top of the hill carrying his staff. The stronger, younger, Joshua would go against the enemy. And the older, more mature Moses would go to the hill, hands and staff raised. But Moses grew weary. In his frail human nature, he got tired and couldn’t keep his hands raised. As a result, the Amalekites prevailed. But when Moses was able to get his hands back in the air, the Israelites prevailed. When Aaron and Hur saw what was going on, they had a brilliant idea: “let’s help Moses by propping up his hands”. And in doing so, it benefited the whole nation.
We can learn some critically important truths from this passage. A detailed study of the life of Moses reveals that he was a man of prayer. Commentators on this passage believe that Moses, with arms raised high, was in a posture of prayer. When the Israelite warriors saw Moses with his hands held high, they prevailed, knowing that Moses was beseeching the Lord on their behalf. They realized that fighting and praying go together. Fighting makes us weary. And prayer is hard work. While there must be times of solitude in our prayer life, there are also times when we wage the spiritual war with the help of others: we need to pray with others, and they need to pray with us. We must intercede for one another as we encounter the battles. We cannot dismiss the fact that we need one another as we fight and pray. Moses needed Aaron and Hur in this situation. When one of us has arms that grow weary, others will help hold them up. Being in close fellowship with other believers is essential, especially when one of us is failing in our strength. This is why Small Group involvement is so important! We need to share our lives with people who care about us. Some of these people may have practical tips and insights from personal experience that are helpful through those hard times. And best of all, they will be there to support us with their love and prayers.
Our kids will ultimately make their own choices on the direction of their relationship with us. We cannot let our children’s choices be a source of ‘defeat’, but instead we must look for rest from the weariness by extending love and grace toward those who may disappoint us. Much-needed help in the ongoing battle is also available by engaging in fervent prayers with our fellow believers. As Paul says in Philippians: we press on!