A Word for Each Role in the Family:
- The Word for Wives: Submit (Col 3:18)
- The Word for Husbands: Love (Col 3:19)
- The Word for Children: Obey (Col 3:20)
- The Word for Parents: Do Not Provoke (Col 3:21)
Why? - It is Fitting in the Lord
Why? - Men can be Harsh
Why? - It Pleases the Lord
Why? - Your children will Lose Heart
5 Ways Parents Provoke their Children:
Sermon Notes (PDF): BLANK
Hint: Highlight blanks above for answers!
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00:00-00:05
Today we are going to be talking about Jesus is first in my home.
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Jesus is first in my home.
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I want you to open your Bibles up to Colossians chapter 3.
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We are going to be looking at verses 18 through 21.
00:21-00:25
And I want to remind you as you are turning there of what my job is.
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Here's my job.
00:30-00:33
I think it's good that I remind you of this from time to time.
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But basically, I'm a megaphone.
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You know what a megaphone is?
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You know what a megaphone does?
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A megaphone doesn't pick up the message.
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What does it do?
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It just broadcasts the message.
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And sometimes we get to passages in God's Word, Let's just be honest, we might not necessarily like what it says.
00:58-01:04
It might promise the wrong way, or that's not how I was raised.
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But my encouragement to you in any message that I get, whether it's on the home, or on, you know, the church, on salvation, You need to look at the text yourself and say, "Is this what the Bible says?
01:25-01:35
Is this what God says?" Because if you have an issue, the issue is really with God and not with me as long as I'm doing my job of just being the maker of the great.
01:37-01:40
Today we're talking about the home.
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Now, there have been a ton of books written on marriage and parenting.
01:50-01:56
How many people have read a book at some time in their lives on marriage and/or parenting?
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Anyone?
01:57-01:58
Alright, what are some good ones?
01:59-02:02
You know, you have the five love languages, right?
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And then there were like the five love languages for teens.
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And then like the five love languages for adolescents.
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Then they just broke down franchises like the five love languages for Eskimo girls.
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And then the five love languages for kittens.
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The five love languages, is that a good word?
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Some people really like the love languages.
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What about, I never read it but the title always intrigued me.
02:32-02:40
It was something like, men are like waffles, and women are like spaghetti.
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How many people read that book?
02:42-02:43
Anybody read it?
02:43-02:44
You read that?
02:44-02:44
No.
02:45-02:46
Why would I read that?
02:46-02:47
How many people know?
02:48-02:50
Shame on me.
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Somebody gave it to me.
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Was it any good?
02:55-02:55
Am I like the waffle?
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(audience laughing)
03:02-03:04
There are a ton of books on marriage and parenting.
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A ton.
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And I kind of laugh about that because when we get to this passage in Colossians, the apostle Paul's going to talk about the nun.
03:14-03:17
And he makes like four statements, right?
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It's hilarious when you think about it.
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He's just like boom, boom, boom, boom, done.
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And he makes four short, simple, concise, crystal clear statements about the "no." He's just like, "Why? Husbands, children, parents, bank, this is how it should look in your home when Christ is ruling in your home." The end.
03:45-03:56
Okay, so let's look at the words that Paul has for different roles in the "no." Alright, first of all, number one on your outline.
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Look at verse 18.
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It says, "Wives, "uh, "commit to your husbands "as is written in the Lord." Okay, and when we pick up in verse 19, he has a word for the husbands.
04:27-04:29
I'm just kidding, I'm really not scared.
04:30-04:31
Let's look at verse 18.
04:34-04:40
You're not scared because there's a greater distance between you and your wife right now than there is between me and my wife.
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Intentional.
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The Word provides.
04:47-04:48
Submit.
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Okay?
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Now, obviously that was a joke.
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I'm not ashamed of what God said because God's not ashamed of what He said.
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And as I said in the beginning, I'm just a megaphone.
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So ladies, before you start throwing things, you need to hear the whole message and get the complete picture and ask yourself, "Is this what God said?" The joke you can cite, look at what verse 18 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord." So the word for wives is submit.
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I want you to notice what's not in the text.
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There's no exception clause.
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There's no exception clause.
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"Wives, submit to your husbands unless he's a jerk." Not in there.
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Submit to your husbands, unless he's a lazy bum.
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Unless he doesn't deserve it.
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Unless he bleached his hair.
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Why?
06:03-06:05
Amen, right?
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Amen!
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There's no exception clause.
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"Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord." What does this mean?
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It's fitting in the Lord.
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Here's what he's saying.
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This is how God designed the home.
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Okay?
06:23-06:26
This is how God designed the home.
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He's saying it's just appropriate.
06:28-06:30
"Wives, submit to your husbands." Why?
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Because that's how God designed the home.
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You realize the home was invented by God, right?
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This whole husband wife, children, this whole structure.
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And God's like, "Okay, here's how it works." But so often, so often...
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Sadly, when Christian women, when they hear live sermon to your husbands, all of a sudden, they turn into those ladies on afternoon talk shows or court shows.
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They get the head-bobbing, and they get the head-waving, and they say, "I ain't gonna submit to no man." Ain't no man gonna make me submit!
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I don't know what you're talking about, "I'm gonna submit to some man?" This is how God designed it.
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It's fitting in the Lord.
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So what does it mean?
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It's willingly coming under the authority of your husband.
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Like, that can mean a lot of different things, right?
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Well, here's how the Bible uses this word.
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Some translations say, "be subject to." I want to share with you, just really quickly, how this word is used in other places in Scripture.
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In Luke chapter 2, verse 51, it was used with Jesus with His parents.
07:59-08:02
He subjected himself to his parents.
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Remember he was back in the synagogue teaching the teachers.
08:06-08:11
They were like, "We've been looking for you. Come with us." And he said, "About my father's business." And what did he do?
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He subjected himself to his parents.
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Right?
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It's used in Luke chapter 10 and verse 17 talking about demons being subject to the disciples under the authority of Christ.
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Romans 13, "Be subject to the government" is talking about us and the government.
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We should submit to or be subject to the government.
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1 Corinthians 15 and Ephesians 1 both talk about the universe, someday we'll be subject to Christ.
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And He's reigning over all.
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To understand that this concept is used around Scripture in the same way, wives, you need to willingly, joyfully, be subject to your husbands. Submit to your husbands.
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Now, why do people typically fight against this?
09:19-09:23
Whenever you mention it, backlash.
09:23-09:27
Some of you already might be saying, I don't like this, I don't agree with this.
09:27-09:30
This is old school, this is patriarchal.
09:31-09:32
Why is that?
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Well, the reason why is because of this.
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Submission is a misunderstood concept.
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It's just a completely misunderstood concept.
09:43-09:45
And I want to clear some things up about submission.
09:48-09:51
First of all, this really should settle it.
09:52-09:58
But submission should be something that all Christians are used to. Right?
10:00-10:07
Shouldn't all Christians be used to the concept of submission as a lifestyle? Right?
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When we came to Christ, isn't there an element of, we submitted our will to Him, and daily we are submitting ourselves to Him, right?
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You just say that you would reign in us, how does that happen?
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We have to yield our will to His.
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We should be used to that.
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Submission shouldn't be ingrained in Christians like, you know, it's just second nature.
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We should be used to it.
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In fact, Ephesians 5.21 says, Church, we should all be in submission to one another.
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We should be used to that.
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We should be in new concepts.
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Here's something else we have to understand about submission.
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Submission, biblically, is always, always, always taught from the bottom up.
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Never from the top down.
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What I mean is, when submission is taught in Scripture, it's always taught, "Here's who you need to submit to." It's never taught in the sense of, "You need to enforce your authority." Do you get that? It's never taught in the top down.
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So watch, if your husbands have ever said to you, "Well, you know you need to submit to me because I'm the authority of the house." That's biblically out of line.
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To enforce it. It's never taught that way in the Bible.
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It's always thought of from the bottom up, never from the top down.
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Even though that is a biblical truth, it's never thought that way.
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Here's another misinterpreted concept about submission.
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It doesn't mean inferiority.
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It does not mean inferiority.
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As if men are here, women down here.
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Listen.
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Men and women are equal in the sight of God.
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But equal does not mean the same.
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Right?
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Equal does not mean the same.
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It's like in the church.
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Are we all equal in this room?
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Of course we are.
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But we're not all the same.
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We're not all children's ministers.
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We're not all soundboat techies.
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I mean, what kind of church would that be?
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We're all equal, but we all have different roles.
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That's how it is in the know.
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A couple more things.
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Submit does not mean, ladies, that you just take abuse.
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It doesn't mean that.
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You know, my husband beats me, and my husband is constantly abusive towards me, but I guess I just have to take it.
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Because I'm supposed to submit to him.
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It doesn't mean that you're his doormat.
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In some situations, it's a good thing to separate.
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Not divorce, but to separate between get your issues worked on.
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Also submission does not mean that when your husband asks you to do something that would be sinful, that you need to do it in the name of submission.
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the higher activity there.
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It's better to have any bond right at the beginning.
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Also a submission, here's one that you hear a lot.
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Some people say, well, submission, it was a cultural thing back then.
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You ever hear that argument?
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It was a cultural thing, right?
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Wives submit to your husbands, that was just a cultural thing.
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Did you notice nobody ever says that when we get to the next verse that says husbands love your wives.
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Like, oh, that was just a cultural thing.
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Yeah, that's just a cultural thing.
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Then children obey your parents.
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Oh yeah, that was just a cultural thing.
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We didn't really do that today.
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That was just a cultural thing.
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It's not, actually, when you get to, what is it, 1 Timothy 2.13, this order of authority Paul traces, in fact, to creation, which is pre-fall.
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He's not saying, well, this is the order of the known because of the sinful condition of the world, he's saying when God created the world and created Adam and Eve, and before sin ever came into the world, this was his design.
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Okay?
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So the word provides is what?
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I heard a couple of men say it.
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The word provides is what?
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Okay, God's gonna preach this, say it, are you?
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The word provides is what?
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Submit.
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All right.
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Ladies, here's your test.
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Wives, here's your test.
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Are you ready?
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This is a self-examination test.
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I can't answer these questions.
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You have to sort of wrestle with the Holy Spirit if you're gonna answer these questions.
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Wives, I'm talking to you now.
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This is your test.
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Would my husband say that I am supportive of his authority in the world?
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Someone is going to be convicted somewhere in the second row here.
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Would my husband say that I am supportive of this authority or not?
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Maybe I should look him in the eye and say it.
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Question 2 in your text.
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Am I constantly undermining my husband's decisions in big and small things?
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Am I constantly undermining my husband's decisions?
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Anytime he makes a decision about anything, whether it's work, law, vacation, or what color shirt he's wearing, am I constantly undermining every decision he makes?
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Third question, do I speak negatively about my husband and my friends?
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Now, if you're lady friends, do you speak negatively about your husband?
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The word provides?
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It's okay, this is in the Bible.
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You ready? Deep breath here, the word provides is?
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Submit.
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All right.
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Some of you still aren't over it.
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I'm a little concerned.
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Number two, the word for husbands.
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Look at verse 19.
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Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
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The word for husbands is what?
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Love.
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Oh, we're so much better with that one.
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Yeah, way to go. Way to go.
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"Love!" Again, husbands, there's no exception clause here.
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It's, "Well, I used to love my wife, but..." Or, "I could love her if..." There's no exception clause.
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Now, why?
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Why is the word for husbands to love?
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Well, he says right here in the text.
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We have a tendency to be what, men?
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Let's be honest, we have a tendency to be what?
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Harsh, no.
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Let's be honest, I know we can't ride a horse sometimes, We're serious about what the Word of God says.
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And sometimes men, we can be harsh.
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Sometimes harvest, I can be harsh with my own wife.
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Okay?
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What does it mean to be harsh?
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Literally it means embittered.
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Something that's bitter to the taste.
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That's what the word means.
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You're bitter towards your own wife.
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That bitterness leads to becoming resentful.
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You say things like this, "She's such a nag.
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I can't please her.
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You know what? I'm just going to quit trying.
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Doesn't matter what I do, she's always harping on me about something.
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I'm done trying to make her happy." Have you ever said to her, "I thought that, now raise your hand, It's a long walk down from the sky.
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That's all statements of being harsh.
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And why do you think submission is extra hard for the white?
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Now when I say the white, I meant that girl.
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I would never refer to Aaron as the white.
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I think that's tacky.
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Man, please.
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Please.
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Especially on top of a newlywed's energy, you have a shriver.
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Do not refer to Heather as the wife, okay?
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Tacky, disrespectful.
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Okay?
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Sam, I've never heard you do that.
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I'm so proud of you.
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Don't talk about your bride as, yeah, the wife's making me clean up the garage, and that's a terrible way to refer to her, okay?
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I said, "Why do you think submission is extra hard for those in the role of the wife?" The husband who loves his wife would never force submission, as we talked about, or ask his wife to do anything degrading or sinful.
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So the word for husbands is what?
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Love.
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What does this word love mean?
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Well this is agape.
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This is love that's a choice.
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It's covenant love.
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It's self-sacrificing love.
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We're like, well can you demonstrate what this love is like?
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What are we doing here just a few minutes?
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But this is the same love that Jesus Christ had for the church.
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That's what this type of love is.
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It's your needs above my comfort.
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It's I work tirelessly to meet your needs.
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It's I will lay down my life for you.
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My love is lavish.
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In fact Ephesians 5, the whole dynamic of the husband of life, The Apostle Paul compares it to the same dynamic as between Christ and the Church.
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Just as the Church is in submission to Christ and under His authority and service to the Lord, so the wife should see herself as the submissive helper.
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Just as Jesus Christ came to be a servant leader, that's how the husband needs to see himself as the servant leader.
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That's the picture.
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We'll get into that in a moment.
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I hear what you're saying, husbands are certain things, wives are certain things, my marriage certainly isn't like that.
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Because one of you or both of you are out of whack in your roles.
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I've done a lot of marriage counseling here for the past 15 years.
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That's the bottom line of every single marriage issue.
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Every single one.
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Either the husband is not acting like the servant leader, like Christ in heaven, or the wife isn't being the submissive helper, like the church in heaven, or either one is fulfilling their God-given role.
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That's the problem every time.
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You having problems in your marriage?
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That's the answer right there.
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One of you are good for not seeing yourselves in the role that God's given you.
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The work for wives is submit. The work for husbands is love. Submit like the church. Love like the Lord.
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Submit and use your test. Are you ready? Use your test.
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Question number one. Would my wife say that I love her and demonstrate that?
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Would my wife say that I love her and that I demonstrate that?
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Question number two, am I a servant leader in the home?
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Do I take my family's needs and desires into consideration when making a decision?
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When you do that, you have a decision to make?
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Is it just, well, here's what I want you to do, do you take the consideration of the whole family into account?
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disabled. You should be blessed for all of us. You should be able to make all of us the most happy and the most blessed.
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Question three, do I speak harshly to my wife? Do I speak harshly to my wife?
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Meaning there are times that I raise my voice to my wife.
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And you have no business doing that.
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Raising your voice to your wife, trying to intimidate, becoming louder.
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No business doing that, then.
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Do you do that?
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Do I speak harshly to my wife by making malign comments?
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That's harsh, guys.
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Do I speak harshly to my wife again by trying to enforce my authority?
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I tried to force my way through.
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So the word for wives is "semit" and the word for husbands is "love." I'll read verse 20.
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Children obey their parents in everything, but this pleases the Lord.
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So the word for children is what?
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Obey.
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Let's try that again. The word for children?
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Obey.
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We still have some children in the room.
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What do we mean by children here?
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First of all, you have to notice that there are no exception clauses.
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Once again, I'm pointing out, it doesn't say "Children, obey your parents unless they're complete idiots," because obviously you must know more than them.
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You've accumulated more knowledge at age 11 than they have at age whatever they are.
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It doesn't say that.
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It doesn't say, "Children, obey your parents as long as there's something in it for you." So why do we, children, obey our parents?
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If you think of a better reason, it says right there in the text, doesn't it?
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It pleases the Lord. That's it. It pleases the Lord.
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All in favor of making the Lord happy. All in favor?
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Okay, God is awesome. He is the last person that you want to anger or disappoint.
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And here the Bible, children, the Bible tells you very clearly, here is how you can please the Lord.
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Obey your parents. Obey your parents.
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In fact, 2 Timothy 3, 2 tells us in the last days, this whole passage is about sinful people.
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It says, "For they will be disobedient to their parents." That's just one of the signs of living in the last days, we're seeing that.
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Disobedient to parents.
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Disobedient to parents.
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Now, who are these children?
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Is this talking just about, you know, do you have to be like, still in diapers, or is this elementary school age?
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What this means is if you are still under the care and protection of your parents, still under the provision from your parents, you're under their authority.
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We honor our parents for a lifetime, right?
26:45-26:46
I was the fifth family.
26:47-26:50
We honor our parents for a lifetime.
26:51-26:53
We obey our parents while we're in the house.
26:53-26:54
We're not in their condition.
26:56-26:56
Obey.
26:59-27:02
Notice also that this comes after the husband and wife teaching.
27:03-27:07
Meaning the marriage thing should be working first before we get to this children thing.
27:09-27:15
Sometimes children have a hard time obeying their parents because the husband and wife are seeing themselves in their document.
27:17-27:34
Aaron was telling me this week that there's an American journalist named Pamela Tuckerman who wrote a new book called "Bringing Up Bebe." It's B-E-B-E. It's French, I think.
27:36-27:45
She noted that there's different behavior in French children and there aren't American children.
27:48-27:55
She said, "There's something a lot different about children in France than there are about children in America.
27:55-27:56
Do you know what that is?
27:58-28:04
In France, the world does not revolve around the children.
28:07-28:09
They're seeing babies sleep through the night.
28:10-28:12
They want ones that are like one or two months.
28:14-28:16
Babies are sleeping through the night. Why?
28:17-28:25
Because parents teach them at a very young age, "I will meet your needs. I will provide for you." But listen, little child, the world is not for all of you.
28:26-28:34
Just like our parents would say, "You need to always say 'please' and 'thank you'," In France, there's a couple more words on that list.
28:35-28:40
You also need to say hello to the body, because it's your way of acknowledging that.
28:42-28:46
It's thinking outside of yourself, thinking outside of yourself.
28:46-28:50
We live in the most self-centered society on the planet.
28:51-28:54
I'm totally convinced, and I haven't been like every place on the planet, but I've been a lot of places.
28:55-28:57
This is the most self-centered culture.
28:58-29:03
Everything, me, me, me, me, me, what's in it for me, what makes me happy.
29:04-29:06
We raise our children to think that way.
29:08-29:14
Young people, listen, we have some young people sitting with us today.
29:14-29:23
I don't wanna pull out this old, you young whippersnappers, when I was your age, and they were as what they cost to tickle, and they were bigger.
29:23-29:29
I'm not gonna, I don't wanna be pulling this like, you know, grandfatherly speech of you to listen to.
29:31-29:32
We live in a day of entitlement.
29:34-29:53
And this constant mentality of young people, maybe young people not as constant, mentality of "I'm entitled too, I'm entitled too, I deserve this, and I should have that." One of the things it's done, young people, is it makes you think that you're equal with your parents.
29:56-29:58
My dad has a laptop, I should have a laptop.
29:58-30:01
My mom has an iPhone, I should have an iPhone.
30:01-30:02
I've heard kids say that.
30:02-30:04
It's not fair, mom, you have one and I don't.
30:06-30:13
And kids have put themselves in the position of, I'm an equal authority with you, my parents.
30:15-30:15
Not so.
30:17-30:22
Listen young people, your parents have gone, "Ted, Dave, you can say these things today.
30:22-30:31
I'm not getting any perks, I'm not getting any gift cards or anything." This is in the Bible.
30:34-30:37
Every single one of us are under authority.
30:37-30:42
Young people, your parents, we're all under authority.
30:42-30:43
Am I?
30:43-30:44
Yeah.
30:45-30:53
I'm under the authority of, right now the ownership for this church is through the main Harvest Bible Chapel out in Chicago.
30:54-30:55
I'm under authority.
30:55-30:57
I'm under the authority of God's Word.
30:58-30:58
I'm under the authority of the Lord.
30:58-31:00
You're under the authority of the police, right?
31:05-31:06
And we're all of them.
31:08-31:10
Young people, you're under the authority of your parents.
31:13-31:17
Now notice, children, obey your parents in what?
31:17-31:18
What's that next word?
31:20-31:21
What's that next word?
31:22-31:23
Everything.
31:24-31:24
Come on, parents.
31:25-31:27
Say it loud and see if you can fix it.
31:28-31:29
Obey your parents in what?
31:30-31:30
Everything.
31:31-31:32
Everything.
31:38-31:40
But I think I should have a later curfew.
31:42-31:42
Everything.
31:44-31:48
But I think I should have different chores in hell.
31:50-31:50
Everything.
31:53-31:54
But I don't like the schedule that Mother did.
31:55-32:01
Everything, obey your parents in everything.
32:03-32:09
I've shared with you before, my previous ministry, I ran a prison ministry for 10 years.
32:09-32:18
That's been the saddest thing about prison ministry, is seeing 18, 19, 20 year old kids come in.
32:19-32:21
Do you know what these kids' attitude was?
32:21-32:22
Nobody's telling me what to do.
32:23-32:24
We've talked about that before.
32:25-32:27
And that was their attitude towards mom and dad.
32:27-32:30
Mom and dad didn't want me hanging out with these people when nobody tells me what to do.
32:31-32:34
And mom and dad didn;t want me doing drugs when nobody tells me what to do.
32:34-32:37
And mom and dad didn't want me drinking when nobody tells me what to do.
32:37-32:38
And guess what they're doing now?
32:39-32:42
Everything the correction officer tells them to do.
32:43-32:50
Their clothes are picked out, their schedule's picked out, their food is picked out, everything is picked out before nobody tells me what to do.
32:50-32:52
Yeah, yeah, how's that working out for you?
32:54-32:57
It's not, and I'm not saying that to scare the kids.
32:57-33:00
Listen, I was in there, and it breaks my heart.
33:00-33:07
There were kids that I'd see, you know, guests at youth group, you know, that I hadn't seen for a while.
33:07-33:09
I was trying to, I'm like, the one guy, I'm like, do you look familiar?
33:10-33:11
He's like, yeah, we've been out at Senator's house.
33:11-33:16
I'm like, this is a kid, and he's in jail.
33:17-33:18
Nobody told me what to do.
33:19-33:20
Well, they do now.
33:22-33:23
children obey your parents.
33:24-33:26
You want to know what God's will is for your life?
33:26-33:27
Because I have a lot of young people.
33:29-33:31
Pastor Jeffers just wanted to do what God wants me to do.
33:31-33:33
I'm really seeking God's will for my life right now.
33:33-33:36
Pastor Jeffers, I really think God's calling me to this or that.
33:37-33:38
You know where it starts?
33:38-33:41
Young people, obey your parents.
33:42-33:42
Okay?
33:42-33:46
God's not going to take you on step two until you do step one.
33:46-33:47
Step one is obey your parents.
33:48-33:50
Alright? So kids, here's your test.
33:52-33:53
Here's your test.
33:59-34:02
When my parents ask something of me, do I do it?
34:04-34:05
This is multiple choice.
34:06-34:06
Okay?
34:07-34:10
We're going to give you three things here, but it's not multiple choice.
34:10-34:12
It's, you've got to do all these things.
34:13-34:15
First of all, do I do it as soon as possible?
34:16-34:19
When your parents ask you to do something, do it as soon as possible.
34:21-34:26
Do you do it joyfully and do you do it thoroughly?
34:28-34:32
When my parents ask something of me, do I do it asap, do I do it joyfully, do I do it thoroughly?
34:35-34:40
Second question, young people, do I talk back to my parents as if they were not in authority over me?
34:42-34:44
Do you talk back to your parents that way?
34:45-34:48
Do your parents tell you to do something and you start talking back to them?
34:48-34:53
Let me ask you, if you're walking down the street and a police officer told you something, would you talk back to him that way?
34:53-34:54
No.
34:56-35:00
Listen, your parents are gone, they're not gonna come over here for you, you shouldn't talk back to them either.
35:01-35:08
Do I respectfully, question three, do I respectfully discuss things with my parents when I don't agree with them?
35:10-35:13
If something's going on and you don't agree with it, then how do you...
35:13-35:14
Ah, time and time, right?
35:15-35:16
So how do you handle it?
35:16-35:18
You need to be respectfully discussive.
35:19-35:20
Respectfully.
35:22-35:33
Respectfully, now is there a parent in here that would be mad if your son or daughter came to you and said, "Dad, can I talk to you about something "that you said the other day?" And she'll talk to you.
35:33-35:34
Would you be mad if they came with that attitude?
35:35-35:36
Of course you would.
35:38-35:38
Of course you would.
35:41-35:42
Respectfully discussive.
35:43-35:44
One more.
35:46-35:48
One more, can you handle it?
35:49-35:59
Just since there are a lot of people here this morning, they're like, "It's so sad with all my energy." All right, yeah, that's a good idea.
35:59-36:00
Take a stretch today, ready?
36:01-36:02
Come on, one more.
36:02-36:03
Hump stretch, but finish strong.
36:06-36:07
But finish strong.
36:09-36:12
That doesn't work if you take a lapsing in school.
36:12-36:15
Not inside, outside.
36:17-36:22
One more. The word for lives is what?
36:23-36:25
Submit, the word for husbands is?
36:26-36:26
Love.
36:26-36:27
Love, and the word for children is?
36:28-36:35
And then I've gotten to this part where the word for parents is do not provoke.
36:36-36:40
I'm looking at that as an acrostic, submit, love, and provoke.
36:41-36:43
And here's how you can have a sloppy household.
36:45-36:46
It didn't quite work that way, all right?
36:47-36:53
But the word for parents is actually in the name of-- do not-- do not provoke.
36:53-36:57
Verse 21, it says, "fathers." Now, that word for fathers can be translated parents.
36:58-37:01
I don't think he's just singling out men.
37:02-37:06
I would suggest to men that you have the tendency to be harsh.
37:07-37:20
If this were to also be translated parents, and that's sort of how I'd lead, because he's parents in general. Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.
37:20-37:26
Bless you. Now there's no exception to the laws, people. Do not provoke your children.
37:26-37:30
There's no exception to the laws. Pastor Jeff, my kid's a lazy mom.
37:32-37:38
No exception to the laws. Pastor Jeff, my kid, he needs tough love. He needs me to be hard on him.
37:38-37:40
No exception to the laws.
37:40-37:42
Do not provoke.
37:43-37:44
Why?
37:45-37:47
It says they will become what?
37:47-37:48
Discouraged.
37:49-37:50
What does that mean?
37:50-37:52
It means despairing.
37:52-37:54
It means giving up on life.
37:56-37:58
It means they just lost heart.
38:00-38:01
They just lost heart.
38:05-38:07
Sometimes parents and kids feel like that.
38:07-38:15
I was just... I was a point of love. I wanted to make people happy. I kind of lost track of how that's supposed to happen.
38:15-38:19
It just seems like no matter what. And they're just discouraged.
38:21-38:25
What does it mean to provoke? It means to stimulate to anger.
38:26-38:32
The danger here is this is settled anger. This it boiling anger. This is resentment, bitterness.
38:34-38:37
It's stimulating to have that resentment in the home.
38:37-38:49
Now, don't misunderstand me, parents, by saying, "Don't discipline your children." I'm not saying that at all. Actually, we had some curses on the wall during the offering that command us to discipline our children.
38:52-38:57
But this is building resentment by some things that we do and some things that we do not do.
38:57-38:59
So, you know, you're gonna cough and prick.
39:08-39:09
Discipline, yes.
39:10-39:10
Provoke, no.
39:11-39:14
You know the number one reason teens go to counseling?
39:15-39:16
You know the number one reason?
39:17-39:18
You can guess.
39:19-39:22
What's the number one reason you think teenagers go to counseling?
39:23-39:24
Anger. Who said that?
39:24-39:26
You're bluffing? Gold star.
39:26-39:28
Anger. That's why.
39:29-39:31
Teenagers are angry. Why are they so angry?
39:32-39:34
The big part of it is parents are provoking them.
39:36-39:37
Okay, what do you mean by that?
39:37-39:40
Here's five ways parents provoke their children.
39:41-39:41
Alright?
39:42-39:45
Parents, I so need you to tune in here because this is so important.
39:46-39:48
Top five ways parents provoke their children.
39:49-39:51
Number five, I don't keep my word on that.
39:51-39:53
I don't keep my word on that.
39:55-39:56
Parents, have you ever done that?
39:56-40:00
You know what, when I'm done working, we'll go out and I'll throw the ball around.
40:00-40:15
Or, "Hey, you know, I'm gonna take you down. I promise you I'll take you down to such and such. I'm gonna do that after work and you don't know it." "Well, look, sorry, I had to work late. You know I have a job." You don't keep your word to him.
40:17-40:18
You just don't keep your word to him.
40:19-40:21
That will provoke them to anger.
40:22-40:24
Get them to put all their faith in God.
40:24-40:25
God promises I'm going to keep.
40:28-40:31
That's a way that you remember your children.
40:31-40:32
Number four.
40:33-40:35
I compare them to other kids.
40:37-40:39
I compare them to other kids.
40:39-40:41
That is a sure way to remember your children, man.
40:42-40:43
You compare them to other kids.
40:44-40:46
Let me tell you a true story about this.
40:46-40:47
This was about a little boy.
40:50-40:53
A dashing, athletic, blonde boy.
40:53-40:56
We'll call Jack.
40:59-41:15
When he was growing up, so many times his mother would say to him, "I wish you could be more like" - I don't know if I'll say this personally - "I wish you could be more like Brett Redderson." You know, that kid plays the piano, that kid this, that kid that.
41:16-41:23
And this kid's mother was always saying, "Why can't you be more like Brett Redderson?" Why can't you be more like him?
41:23-41:26
He does this, you approach him like he does that.
41:26-41:28
Constantly hearing you guys talk like that.
41:29-41:29
That's wrong.
41:30-41:31
That's wrong.
41:32-41:34
Why don't you just be a parent to that person?
41:34-41:35
Because you can't say that.
41:37-41:39
Because you can't say that.
41:39-41:40
You just feel defeated.
41:40-41:41
Like, hey, you know what?
41:43-41:44
We're stuck together.
41:45-41:45
Right?
41:46-41:51
I'm the one It was given by parents.
41:53-41:56
Don't compare your kids to other kids.
41:56-41:57
That will crush you.
41:57-41:58
Please, please.
41:59-42:01
Why can't you hustle more like this kid?
42:01-42:03
Why can't you be more musically inclined like this kid?
42:05-42:07
God gave you the kids that he wants you to have.
42:08-42:08
We're kids, okay?
42:10-42:10
Cherish that.
42:11-42:12
All right?
42:13-42:14
Don't compare to other kids at all.
42:17-42:20
Number three, I don't discipline properly.
42:21-42:22
I don't discipline properly.
42:22-42:25
I'm abusive in my actions or in my words.
42:26-42:27
I'm just abusive.
42:29-42:32
I could tell you a story, I don't know what you'd want to know.
42:33-42:37
Some of the things I've heard parents say to their children are appalling.
42:39-42:43
"Call your son a retard." That's appalling.
42:47-42:48
You're a dad.
42:51-42:53
You're actually this uncle.
42:54-42:55
This nephew.
42:57-43:03
Say you don't want to grow up to be a little, I mean you used to really, I don't know what you want.
43:04-43:05
This is like your dad.
43:05-43:08
People say these harsh things to children.
43:08-43:09
It's abusive.
43:10-43:11
The physical abuse.
43:11-43:13
I think that's pretty, I think that's pretty bad.
43:13-43:19
Obviously, there's a right way to discipline, and there's certainly a wrong way to discipline.
43:22-43:28
But when you don't discipline properly, you choke on the authority.
43:30-43:31
Number two is I only notice the negative.
43:33-43:34
I only notice the negative.
43:39-43:42
I neglect my kids unless I feel that I need to knock them back in line.
43:44-43:46
That's the way to crush a kid's spirit.
43:47-43:54
The dad is almost like this, you know, authoritative Nazi presence in the home.
43:56-44:00
You're just there, just in case the kid gets out of line, you're there to whack him back in line.
44:00-44:02
That's my job, I just whack him back in line.
44:04-44:05
And only notice the negative.
44:08-44:10
When's the last time you've heard something in your kids?
44:11-44:19
"Hey, Katie, you did a great job on this." "Hey, I saw that you worked really hard on that." Only notice the negative.
44:21-44:28
"I'm going one way and the parents are going for their children." "I run the house with rules, not relationship." That's a killer.
44:29-44:33
"I run the house with rules, not relationship." There's no grace in the home. There's no...
44:33-44:39
"I see the heart of Dad." And Stan has rules.
44:40-44:43
He breaks the rules, he pays the price.
44:44-44:45
That's how it is in our home.
44:47-44:49
That's not how it is in the Lord.
44:50-44:54
But in the Lord there's grace, and there's restoration, and there's discipline, and there's teaching.
44:56-44:58
It's not the Holy Ghost.
44:58-45:00
Stan, listen.
45:00-45:06
and bucket gates and affirm your acceptance of them.
45:07-45:08
All right?
45:09-45:10
It's okay.
45:10-45:12
Affirm your acceptance of them.
45:14-45:17
I can't tolerate you because you've been naturally born to this.
45:18-45:18
(audience laughing)
45:19-45:21
Thanks, man, that should be a whole point for it.
45:21-45:24
Affirm your acceptance of them.
45:25-45:35
And say, look, I don't care if you grew up and you're the greeter at Walmart, the world's youngest greeter at Walmart.
45:36-45:41
I still love you and I still accept you and I'll always be here to do that, all right?
45:42-45:47
Don't make your kid think that he has to reach these milestones in order to gain your acceptance.
45:49-45:50
Brutal.
45:52-45:58
Another way that you can run a household My only relationship is overprotection.
45:59-46:08
Oh look, I'm all about protecting your kids, especially in our day of juries and dustbin incidences and stuff like that.
46:09-46:15
You gotta protect your kid, but you have to walk that tightrope because you're not going to protect your kids.
46:16-46:18
You have to walk that tightrope.
46:19-46:25
overprotection, especially when your kids get to early teenage years, communicates that you don't trust them.
46:26-46:27
It's a tough factor.
46:28-46:30
I know that. It's going to be different from home to home.
46:31-46:36
I don't have a magic formula to say, here's how it should be done in the Bloomingdale's home, here's how it should be done in the Devour's home.
46:37-46:39
The main thing, I don't have that.
46:39-46:42
You got to work that out for yourself.
46:42-46:43
You need to work it out.
46:48-46:52
One more thing, this is something I've talked about quite a bit.
46:53-46:58
Parents, you can't expect something different from your child than the age that they are.
47:00-47:01
Let me explain what I mean by that.
47:02-47:06
Sometimes parents want to make their children their buddy.
47:06-47:08
And I see that a lot with single moms.
47:09-47:13
And I'm not mocking single moms, I'm not insulting a family member.
47:13-47:20
I'm just saying that sometimes I see single moms and their kids become their buddies.
47:21-47:38
Then they try to shift gears and be the parent and the kid's just like, "What?" One minute I'm hanging out and having fun with my pal, and the next minute she's trying to tell me what my curfew is, and it just sends a mixed signal.
47:39-47:44
You can't expect something different out of your kids at the age that they are.
47:44-47:47
This past week I was actually at Costco.
47:50-47:51
And I had a 7 year old dog.
47:53-47:54
In the bathroom.
47:57-47:59
We were in one of the stalls and he was using the potty.
48:00-48:03
And I hear this guy come in. I didn't see what was going on. I could just hear him.
48:03-48:06
And the door opens. And I heard this infant crying.
48:08-48:10
And you can tell by, you know what an infant cry sounds like, right?
48:11-48:13
This baby could have been more than three months old.
48:13-48:16
And, um, you just hear this little infant cry.
48:17-48:33
And the guy goes, "You need to shut your mouth, and close your eyes, and go to sleep. I am so sick of your screaming." What is that?
48:34-48:35
Is it a baby?
48:39-48:46
And then you have to think with the guy that you can ask those kids this week and burn the house down.
48:47-48:47
Did you hear about that?
48:47-48:48
Killed his wife.
48:49-48:50
Did you hear about that?
48:51-48:52
It's just like, what is going on?
48:54-48:55
Come Lord Jesus quickly.
48:58-49:00
There are a lot of bad ways of parenting.
49:04-49:06
One of the bad ways of parenting is when you're in a relationship.
49:06-49:08
constantly provoking your children.
49:09-49:10
Constantly provoking.
49:11-49:12
So parents, here's your test.
49:16-49:19
Here's your test. What activities do I do with my children?
49:20-49:23
Simply to spend time with them and grow our relationship.
49:24-49:29
Dads, moms, what are some things that you do with your kids?
49:29-49:31
Just for the sake of spending time with them.
49:32-49:48
No reason, no end game, "Well, we're doing this because she needs to improve her softball pitch." "We're just doing this just so my kid can see the world, just so we spend time together." And you know the issues we have in our home. We have a 7 and a 5 year old.
49:49-49:50
They're both on the autism spectrum.
49:50-49:54
You wouldn't believe some of the goofy things that I have to do in my life.
49:55-49:58
That I do them just because I want to spend time with my kids.
50:00-50:07
Whether it's call up a worship guide while he's in small group, or remake all these goat movies, or whatever.
50:07-50:10
We do all kinds of really neat and gross things.
50:10-50:22
But I just want my kids to feel like, "Hey, you know what? He's not just some authority figure in the house. This is somebody who loves me." Right?
50:24-50:26
I have evidence of my own self as the example.
50:27-50:30
I'm just saying that this is something the Lord has directly evicted me of.
50:31-50:34
What are you doing dad? This is something I'm addressing you.
50:34-50:36
What are you doing just to spend time with me?
50:39-50:43
Number two, that my children see grace and truth in me in the way that I relate to them.
50:44-50:47
That my children see grace and truth in me in the way that I relate to them.
50:49-50:58
The Bible tells us in John chapter 1 that Jesus was full of grace and truth.
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And these five, one-word imitators of God, that's something that we need to imitate in God, in our own, is that we are full of grace and truth.
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Your kids know that you're fair, but your kids also know that you have a gracious heart.
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Do my children see grace as written in the Bible?
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Last question again, parents.
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Do my children know they are accepted?
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Do your children know that?
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Do your children know they are accepted?
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We've got a lot of dynamics in this passage, and we've lost a lot of this.
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We've said a lot.
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Four very short statements.
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It has been closed. Understand that the first institution that the Lord established was, you know that? Before the fall? Before the Mosaic Covenant? Before anything?
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He established the home. The home is God's thing and it has to be in God's way and it has to be under God's power.
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The Godly home is the one where the wife submits, the husband loves, the children obey, and the parents devote, and over it all, Jesus.
Small Group Questions (Whole Group):
Read Colossians 3:18-21
Breakout Questions:
Pray for one another.