Wisdom in my Friendships

• Should I have unbelieving friends?
• When is it wise to associate with non-Christians?

Case Study #1 Ruth and Naomi Leading Towards the Lord (Ruth 1)

Case Study #2 Lot and Sodom Leading Away from the Lord (Genesis 13-19)

1. Unwise friendships first Disarm you (Prov 22:24-25)


2. Unwise friendships ultimately Destroy you (Prov 22:21-22)

Case Study #3

Sermon Notes (PDF): BLANK
Hint: Highlight blanks above for answers!

• Audio Transcript

  00:00-00:16

  Amen. Before we look at Proverbs, I do want to say that, you know, in John chapter 15 and verse 13, Jesus said, "The greater love has no man than this, that he would," what?

  00:17-01:56

  "lay down his life for his friends." Jesus was talking about the sacrifice that he was going to make on the cross, and honestly it's hard not to think of that verse as we approach Memorial Day and we think back to the people who were willing to lay down their lives and obviously nobody's life being laid down can compare to the sacrifice that Jesus Christ has made. But Jesus shared a principle with us that that is the ultimate expression of love to be willing to lay your life down and we certainly want to wish everyone a happy Memorial Day and encourage people to remember the purpose for which we celebrate that day in our country. Amen. All right, Proverbs 1320, speaking of friends, we're concluding our series this week on the joy of committed relationships. And the title of this message is "Committed to my Friends" Wisdom in my friendships. Proverbs 13 20 says this, and keep your Bible handy, we're going to be flipping around to a couple places here today, but Proverbs 13 20 says this, "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise.

  01:58-02:05

  I especially want to speak to the younger people here, young adults. Young adults, are you listening?

  02:05-02:45

  look up here young adults. Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise. Young adults keep looking up here. Old adults too, but young adults. The companion of fools will suffer harm. To paraphrase, jot this down, we become like those with whom we spend time. True or false?

  02:46-02:52

  We become like those whom we spend time.

  02:53-02:59

  And right now I know there's some young people, "Oh, Pastor Jeff, I don't really think that's true." - No.

  03:01-03:02

  Brooke, how about exhibit A?

  03:05-03:15

  I just did a search on gangs, and this is a biker gang, obviously, if you notice the BMX bikes here.

  03:21-03:23

  That's actually my old gang, believe it or not.

  03:27-03:30

  We become like those with whom we spend time.

  03:30-03:36

  Exhibit B. This is my favorite, the matching track suits.

  03:37-03:45

  All right, if you're going to make a statement about what a tough gang you are, get your matching Adidas track suits and put your hoods up.

  03:47-03:51

  Exhibit C. We become like those with whom we spend time.

  03:51-03:53

  Actually, I was wrong.

  03:53-03:55

  This was my former gang right here.

  03:58-04:01

  We become like those with whom we spend time.

  04:04-04:05

  Do we have exhibit D?

  04:07-04:10

  All right, this is like elementary school gang.

  04:12-04:14

  We become like those with whom we spend time.

  04:14-04:16

  I don't even know, are those like gang symbols?

  04:19-04:24

  But I guarantee you one thing, these are a group of kids that would refer to themselves as being nonconformists.

  04:25-04:27

  Nobody tells us what to do.

  04:27-04:29

  Nobody tells us how to dress.

  04:30-04:30

  Oh, really?

  04:31-04:33

  Which is why you all look like each other, right?

  04:34-04:35

  Is that what you're saying?

  04:36-04:41

  Nobody tells you what to do except your friends, and you have to dress exactly like them.

  04:42-04:49

  But here's the problem a lot of times with these nonconformists is eventually-- look at exhibit-- what are we on?

  04:49-04:49

  E here?

  04:52-04:54

  No, there's, oh, wait a minute, I forgot this one.

  04:54-04:56

  Yeah, this is another biker gang.

  04:56-04:58

  Their hoods are just pulled too tight.

  04:58-04:59

  I like that picture.

  04:59-05:04

  Okay, but the problem with these people sometimes is this is where their nonconformity ends up.

  05:04-05:05

  Let's look at the last one, bro.

  05:07-05:08

  That is the last one?

  05:08-05:12

  Oh, there was another sweet picture of a gang that it must not have made the cut.

  05:13-05:14

  I must have cut and pasted that wrong.

  05:15-05:17

  But we'll talk about that in a bit.

  05:20-05:27

  But honestly, I just Googled some pictures of gangs, and image after image after image after image came up like those ones.

  05:29-05:31

  We become like those with whom we spend time.

  05:33-05:41

  Your godly friendships are going to help you to be more and more like Jesus Christ.

  05:41-05:42

  That's what we talked about last week.

  05:42-05:47

  In your friendships, you should be counseling and correcting and comforting one another.

  05:48-05:58

  ungodly friendships, according to the Proverbs, ungodly friendships, you will get hurt.

  06:00-06:02

  You will get hurt.

  06:04-06:07

  You can tell a lot about people by their closest friends.

  06:09-06:10

  You just can't.

  06:12-06:25

  If you brought to me the group of your closest friends and I was able to sit down and have coffee with them At the end of that, I'd be able to tell a lot about you because of the people that you would consider your closest friends.

  06:28-06:33

  If I was to sit in on your small group, and you're like, "These are my closest friends.

  06:33-06:35

  "These are people who are seeking the Lord.

  06:35-06:41

  "These are people that are growing "in the knowledge of God's word," that would tell me something about you.

  06:45-06:53

  But if your closest friends are a group of knuckleheads, that tells me something about you too.

  06:55-06:58

  Chances are you're a knucklehead.

  06:59-07:01

  So here's the question that we're going to ask today.

  07:02-07:03

  This is it.

  07:04-07:09

  Because a lot of Christians get-- they stumble up on this.

  07:09-07:11

  They have different convictions about this.

  07:11-07:12

  But here's the question on your outline.

  07:13-07:14

  should I have unbelieving friends?

  07:15-07:17

  Should I have unbelieving friends?

  07:17-07:19

  I mean, you saw what Proverbs said.

  07:20-07:27

  Proverbs says, you know, "If I walk with the wise, I become wise, "but the companion of fools suffers harm." So should I have unbelieving friends?

  07:28-07:34

  I'm sure we'd get a lot of different answers to that question if we surveyed people in this room, even.

  07:35-07:37

  I just wanna discuss it biblically.

  07:39-08:17

  Some would say, "Well, look, Pastor Jeff, it says right here, don't have unbelieving friends. I'd like to remind you that the book of Proverbs is not a book of laws. The book of Proverbs is a book of wisdom, right? Proverbs warns us of the dangers of close associations with godless people. So should I have non-christian friends? The answer is definitely yes, you should.

  08:23-08:43

  The Great Commission, Matthew 28 verse 19, Jesus said to go where? Go into all the nations. Going to all the nations. Oh and speaking of Jesus, what were the things that Jesus was constantly being accused of, insulted for, persecuted for?

  08:44-09:26

  There are a couple major things when you read through the Gospels people were always on Jesus' case about. One of them is healing on the Sabbath, right? You know, you heal on the Sabbath and... You know what the other one is? He eats with sinners." Did you ever notice that? Jesus is hanging out with tax collectors. Can you believe Jesus is sitting down at a table with prostitutes? In fact, in the book of Luke, chapter 15, Jesus tells the story of the prodigal son. He told that story in response to the holy rollers of his day criticizing the fact that he would sit down and eat with sinners.

  09:30-09:34

  I'd like to encourage you that evangelism has to happen naturally.

  09:36-09:38

  Evangelism has to happen naturally.

  09:38-09:40

  What's the fourth pillar of Harvest Bible Chapel?

  09:40-09:44

  Sharing the good news of Jesus with boldness.

  09:48-09:50

  Evangelism has to happen naturally.

  09:50-10:01

  It happens mostly through friendships when you have the opportunity to first show the love of Christ and ultimately have the opportunity to share the gospel of Christ.

  10:02-10:03

  It has to happen naturally.

  10:05-10:07

  And look, don't mishear me.

  10:08-10:14

  I'm all for people handing out gospel tracts and preaching on street corners and those kinds of things.

  10:14-10:43

  that's great. But the most effective evangelism happens naturally through the relationships that God has already put in your path. I had a rough couple of days this week. I got a I recall it was Thursday that a good friend of mine had passed away after heart surgery.

  10:48-10:59

  It's kind of an unusual story, the relationship, and if you're visiting with us, don't be shocked, but I was a professional wrestler for seven years.

  11:00-11:07

  And the one organization where I broke in where I trained, there was a guy there, his name was Bud.

  11:08-11:10

  He was Bud the referee, but Bud wasn't just a referee.

  11:11-11:18

  Bud pulled the trailer, and Bud set up the ring, and Bud repaired the ring, and Bud, he was just, you know people like that?

  11:18-11:19

  He just did everything.

  11:21-11:29

  And Bud had some heart problems, and the running joke with the guys was, Bud's never gonna die.

  11:29-11:39

  I mean, this was a guy that, you know, He'd have heart surgery and unhook himself and walk out of the hospital and then like walk across town because the ring needed fixed or something like that.

  11:41-11:47

  But he had heart surgery this past week and due to some complications, he didn't make it.

  11:50-11:59

  And last night I spent an hour and 49 minutes on the phone with a friend of mine who owns the wrestling organization sharing the gospel with him.

  12:00-12:02

  And the reason I'm sharing that story with you is this.

  12:03-12:12

  Here's a guy that, in another scenario, I'd never have the opportunity to talk to him for almost two hours about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

  12:13-12:17

  If I just went up to this guy cold and said, "Hi, pleased to meet you.

  12:17-12:21

  Can I talk to you about the gospel of Jesus Christ for two hours?" Is that going to happen?

  12:22-12:38

  But through the relationship that's been nurtured and through the friendship and through the years of, "He knows that I care about him, and he knows where I stand." God opened that door of opportunity to share the gospel with him.

  12:41-12:43

  And that's how evangelism has to happen.

  12:47-12:49

  I think we all sometimes feel the tension.

  12:52-12:57

  We can't be Amish in the sense of we just withdraw from the world entirely.

  12:58-13:03

  But you're like, "Well, hang on a second, Pastor Jeff, but we can't ignore the warning of Proverbs, right?

  13:03-13:05

  The companion of fools will suffer harm.

  13:06-13:06

  So what do we do?

  13:08-13:18

  What do we do?" Well, the next question on your outline, "When is it wise to associate with non-Christians?" Each situation really has to be evaluated on its own merits.

  13:19-13:24

  I want you to write this question down because here's the way you need to evaluate your relationships.

  13:27-13:33

  Am I drawing them closer to God or are they drawing me further away from God?

  13:34-13:34

  Write that down.

  13:35-13:37

  And that's how you should evaluate your relationships.

  13:38-13:47

  Am I drawing them closer to God, or are they drawing me further away from God?

  13:52-13:54

  That is where you need to apply wisdom in your relationships.

  13:56-13:57

  I can't answer that question for you.

  13:57-13:58

  I can't.

  13:58-13:59

  It's not my job.

  13:59-14:02

  If you come to me like, "Pastor Jeff, I have this pagan co-worker.

  14:02-14:09

  Should I be their friend?" Are you drawing them closer to God or are they drawing you further away from God?

  14:13-14:15

  Well, here's a couple of case studies.

  14:16-14:23

  Case study number one, let's talk about Ruth and Naomi leading towards the Lord.

  14:25-14:26

  Leading towards the Lord.

  14:26-14:28

  Do you know the story about Ruth and Naomi?

  14:30-14:33

  In the book of Ruth it begins with some tragic events.

  14:33-14:34

  Israel suffers a famine.

  14:35-14:43

  Naomi and her husband and her two sons move to the pagan region of Moab to find food.

  14:45-15:01

  While Naomi's husband dies and her sons marry Moabite women, Orpah and Ruth.

  15:04-15:12

  Well, before the famine is over, Naomi's sons die.

  15:14-15:17

  And Orpah and Ruth choose to live with Naomi.

  15:17-15:18

  So do you see this picture?

  15:19-15:31

  Here you have Naomi married, moves with her sons, and her husband dies, and then her sons die, and it's just her and her two daughters-in-law.

  15:33-15:43

  Once the famine is over, Naomi decides to go back to Israel, and Orpah and Ruth start to go with her, and on the way Naomi just tells them to turn around and return to Moab.

  15:46-15:55

  Well Orpah returns, but Ruth pleads to stay with Naomi.

  15:57-16:04

  She professes some level of faith and offers Naomi an unending friendship.

  16:07-16:13

  Well when they get to Israel, Ruth gathers food for Naomi and Naomi helps Ruth find a husband.

  16:14-16:23

  So in case study number one, was this a wise association or a foolish association for Naomi to befriend Ruth?

  16:23-16:24

  Wise or unwise?

  16:25-16:27

  It was wise, wasn't it?

  16:30-16:35

  Because Naomi ultimately led Ruth to God.

  16:36-16:40

  At no point in the story do we see Ruth leading Naomi away from God.

  16:41-16:45

  If so, Naomi would have had to probably reconsider the friendship.

  16:48-16:49

  Well, here's case study number two.

  16:51-16:57

  Let's talk about Lot and Sodom, or leading away from the Lord.

  17:01-17:04

  Now you know the story of Lot, right, back in Genesis chapter 13.

  17:05-17:14

  Lot actually was living with Abram, who we know as Abraham, who's Lot's uncle.

  17:16-17:19

  Well, in Genesis 13, you remember the story?

  17:19-17:35

  Like Abraham and Lot, they had so many herds and so much property and so many tents, and their wealth became too big to be supported by the land, and all the herdsmen started fighting over grazing land.

  17:36-17:39

  So Abraham, or Abram, offered the solution.

  17:40-17:43

  He goes, "All right, look, this is just not happening here.

  17:43-17:45

  We're getting too big to be sharing the space.

  17:45-17:47

  So look, you pick.

  17:48-17:49

  You pick.

  17:50-17:52

  You go over there, I'm going to go over here.

  17:52-17:53

  You go over here, I'm going to go over there.

  17:54-17:55

  You go this way, I'm going that way.

  17:56-18:16

  Abraham says, "I'm going to give you first pick, and I'll go where you don't go." Well, Lot chose to live outside of Canaan and near Sodom simply because it looked appealing.

  18:19-18:25

  Abraham went to Canaan, and Lot separated himself from the covenant people.

  18:25-18:30

  He knew the promises that God had made to Abraham, but he chose to live in Sodom.

  18:30-18:35

  In the New Testament terms, you could say that Lot chose the world instead of the church.

  18:36-18:38

  But jot these references down.

  18:38-18:40

  We're not going to turn to all of them, but I want you to see this.

  18:43-18:44

  Jot these references down.

  18:44-18:44

  These are all from Genesis.

  18:46-18:53

  Genesis 13, 12 says that Lot started out near Sodom.

  18:57-19:05

  And then when you get to Genesis 14, 12, it says that Lot was living in Sodom.

  19:09-19:18

  And then when you get to Genesis 19 and verse 1, Lot was actually sitting in the gateway of Sodom.

  19:19-19:21

  Do you see the progression here?

  19:22-19:23

  We're close and now we're in.

  19:24-19:27

  And now we're not just in, we're sitting where the men hang out.

  19:27-19:30

  We're immersing ourselves in the culture.

  19:31-19:42

  And when you get to 1914, you see that his daughters were pledged to be married to people from Sodom.

  19:46-19:48

  Lot made a series of sinful decisions.

  19:50-20:11

  The saddest one is in Genesis 19, 8, even offering up his daughters to be raped by a gang of men who were wanting to rape who they thought were men but were actually angels.

  20:15-20:22

  Now if you would have pulled Lot aside before he moved close to Sodom and said, "Lot, I think this is a bad idea, buddy.

  20:24-20:25

  Wicked people there.

  20:30-20:37

  And if you go there, you might end up doing something crazy like offering your daughters to be raped." Could you imagine?

  20:38-21:03

  At that point Lot would have said, "There is no way I'd do something like that to my own daughters." But what we see in Lot's life is a little compromise, a little compromise, a little compromise, a little compromise, and then all of a sudden Lot's like, "How did I get over here?" Listen young people, especially, that story is played out over and over and over again.

  21:05-21:12

  A little compromise here and a little compromise there, all of a sudden you're in a place you never imagined that you would be.

  21:16-21:19

  And nobody gets there in one step or in one day.

  21:20-21:26

  It's a series of progressions, a series of bad decisions take you to a place that you never imagined you'd be.

  21:27-21:30

  Unwise friendships have a really bad one-two punch.

  21:30-21:31

  Jot these down.

  21:31-21:35

  Number one on your outline, underneath case study two.

  21:36-21:40

  First of all, unwise friendships, the first thing they do is disarm you.

  21:40-22:23

  disarm you. Getting back to Proverbs, look at Proverbs 22 with me please, verses 24 through 25. First thing is unwise friendships, they disarm you. Proverbs 22 gives this warning, Verse 24, "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare." Sin is so predictable.

  22:23-22:25

  It is so predictable.

  22:25-22:29

  first thing that happens, your view of sin gets clouded.

  22:31-22:42

  And the thoughts of what is true and God honoring and what is right, those thoughts get muddled.

  22:43-22:45

  All of a sudden, you start looking around, you know, it's not so bad.

  22:45-22:46

  This isn't so bad.

  22:47-22:47

  It's not so bad.

  22:48-22:57

  My parents were just being, you know, old-fashioned, square, out of touch, whatever the word is now.

  22:59-23:00

  That's not so bad.

  23:03-23:06

  But we are impressionable as people, true or false.

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  Children, we obviously see it.

  23:11-23:13

  We obviously see it in children.

  23:16-23:19

  But even adults mimic people without realizing it.

  23:20-23:23

  Think of the things that you joke about, your conversations, your habits.

  23:24-23:26

  These things seem to happen naturally.

  23:26-23:30

  According to Proverbs, it almost sounds like you're catching a disease.

  23:30-23:33

  Just by hanging out with these people, you start to act like them.

  23:39-23:44

  Or again, to put it in New Testament terms, you know, Ephesians 6 tells us to put on the armor of God.

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  But you know, when we start taking the armor off bit by bit, we leave ourselves naked and vulnerable.

  23:57-23:59

  Unwise friendships are like that.

  24:00-24:02

  First thing they do is disarm you.

  24:03-24:12

  And look over at chapter 24 and verse 21, because unwise friendships can ultimately destroy you.

  24:16-24:25

  And that's where he says, "My son, fear the Lord and the King, and do not join with those who do otherwise.

  24:26-24:57

  For disaster will arise suddenly from them, and who knows the ruin that will come from both. Unwise friendships can ultimately destroy you. And you're like, "Well, if this is what the Bible says, Pastor Jeff, how can I know that I'm in a friendship that might be bad news?" Well, here it is. I'll jot this down. Watch out for the friendship that would tempt you to rebel against authority.

  25:01-25:02

  It's an objective test.

  25:03-25:11

  Is this friendship, is this relationship, is it tempting me, first of all, to rebel against my parents, young people?

  25:12-25:16

  Are these friends telling me to do something that my parents wouldn't want me to do?

  25:17-25:18

  That's a sign of a bad friendship.

  25:24-25:34

  Is this friendship tempting me to get involved in something that's immoral, as in violating God's code?

  25:36-25:38

  That's a friendship that's bad news.

  25:40-25:43

  Is this friendship tempting me to do something that's illegal?

  25:45-25:55

  Notice he says, "Fear the Lord and the King." If your friends are doing something illegal, you're in a bad friendship.

  25:57-26:02

  And the consequences will catch up with you.

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  They will.

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  They'll catch up with you.

  26:05-26:08

  As many of you know, I ran a prison ministry for 10 years.

  26:10-26:19

  And over those 10 years, I've met a lot of inmates, a lot of different types of crimes, different lengths of sentences and different ages.

  26:22-26:29

  But you know, there was one common denominator amongst almost every one of those inmates.

  26:29-26:32

  Actually, two common denominators amongst every one of those inmates.

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  One is this, none of them ever thought they'd be in jail.

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  Right?

  26:40-26:42

  You think, oh, jail, that's where the really bad people go.

  26:44-26:46

  Now, you break the law, you go to jail.

  26:48-26:51

  And every single one of them were surprised to find themselves in jail.

  26:54-26:56

  But here's another common denominator.

  27:00-27:06

  When you talk to the guys about how they got in trouble-- and I never just came out like, hey, what are you in for?

  27:06-27:07

  Never did that.

  27:07-27:10

  But a lot of times, they'd want to talk, like, tell me your story.

  27:11-27:16

  You're never going to believe what the common denominator is in every single one of those stories.

  27:17-27:32

  I was with some buddies, who, then you can insert here, drinking, drugs, stealing, you know, insert whatever thing you want, but it always started with, I was with some buddies who.

  27:33-27:41

  And being in there, being in prison 10 years, I saw people, you know, in cycles, they'd get out of prison and then they'd end up right back in prison.

  27:42-28:09

  "Man, I thought you got out." I'm telling you, 99.9% of the time they would say, "Well, I did, but then I ran into some old buddies." Who? And I'm like, "You know, you can just stop right there. I know how the rest of the story goes." Do not join with those who do otherwise, for disaster will arise suddenly from them, and And who knows the ruin that will come from them both?

  28:11-28:13

  Every story started with a friend.

  28:18-28:26

  Interestingly as we talk about all things friendship and Ruth and Lot, do you know how Ruth and Lot are connected?

  28:28-28:35

  Lot's descendants eventually became the Moabites.

  28:38-28:49

  It was hundreds of years later that a Moabite woman named Ruth went to Israel with her mother-in-law, Naomi.

  28:50-29:20

  Eventually she married Boaz, had kids, and she had a son who became part of a bloodline of David and eventually Jesus Christ. My point is this, you know, God's redemptive plan here came full circle. He is at work to fulfill his plans. But as I close, I want us to look at case study number three. Who is case study number three?

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  Well, case study number three is me.

  29:25-29:26

  And it's you.

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  And it's anyone in this room who has received Jesus Christ.

  29:34-29:41

  Now, how many people, show of hands, how many people in this room came to Christ as a result of a friendship?

  29:42-29:43

  Raise your hands, raise them high.

  29:44-29:45

  Keep 'em up.

  29:45-29:54

  Now, when I say as a result of a friendship, I mean a friend shared the gospel with you, or a friend invited you to church, or something like that.

  29:56-29:57

  Okay, look around.

  29:58-29:59

  Look around.

  29:59-30:02

  This is what we're talking about when we talk about redemptive friendships.

  30:05-30:11

  Very few people, okay you can put your hands down, my point is this, very few people come to Christ because they stumbled into a church.

  30:11-30:12

  Has that happened?

  30:12-30:13

  Yeah, it has.

  30:13-30:41

  I've talked to people that were like, literally, "I was walking down the street and saw your sign up and came in and received Christ. That happens. That is rare. What's more common is someone shared the gospel with you, invited you to a church, an outreach event, etc. and you should see your friends as a Ruth and bring them along.

  30:42-30:56

  When people see Christ in you, when people hunger for what you have, you need to bring them along. Invite them to come worship with us here. Invite them to a core group meeting at Harvest Bible Chapel, Pittsburgh East. Bring them along.

  31:01-31:25

  Many of your friends are just waiting for an invitation to church. Do you know that? Do you know how many of your friends would come just simply because you're saying, "I would love for you to come to our church some Sunday." That's all some people are waiting. They're not going to come after you and say, "Hey, hey, hey, you ever going to invite me to church?" They're waiting for you. Bring them along.

  31:28-32:19

  So the question is, should we have unbelieving friends? My answer is, you must have friendships outside the church. You must. Jesus said, "We're salt and light. To who? Our holy huddle? No, to the unbelieving world. But here's another must. You must evaluate those associations differently, carefully, and often. God knows the risks and he still calls us to reach out, doesn't he? I'd believer, you too were once an enemy of God." That's something I have to constantly remind myself.

  32:19-32:21

  We encounter people that we're like, "Oh, she's never going to get it.

  32:22-32:23

  Oh, that guy's never going to come to the Lord.

  32:24-32:31

  Oh, he's so far from God, he's never going to get it." You know, the Lord always gently reminds me, like, "Jeff, that was you.

  32:33-32:35

  People used to look at you and say that.

  32:35-32:36

  That guy's not going to get it.

  32:37-32:39

  That guy is never going to come to the Lord.

  32:45-32:50

  So Jesus Christ through people reached out to us with love and grace and compassion.

  32:52-32:54

  And now he says we are his ambassadors.

  32:56-32:59

  Jesus is still working through each of us.

  33:00-33:03

  He is saying reach out, but use wisdom.

  33:05-33:05

  Let's pray.

Small Group Questions ­(Whole Group):
Read Proverbs 13:20

1. Proverbs 22:24-25 tells us that we become like those with whom we spend time. Why do you think this happens? That is, why do we naturally start to act like the people we are around?
    

2. If you realize a friendship is harmful (rebellion against God or “king”), how do you go about getting out of harm’s way? (Proverbs 13:20) Do you dissolve the friendship, spend less time with the friend...? How do you “break that off”?
    

3. What specifically would you do as a parent if you discovered your late adolescent or teen child had an unwise friendship (causing them to rebel, etc)?
    

4. How can you ensure that you are leading a person to the Lord instead of them leading you away from the Lord? How do you know who is influencing who?

Breakout Questions:

1. Do you have any friendships that have a negative effect on your walk with Christ? What are you going to do about it in light of the Word of God?
    

2. Pray for one another.

3 Marks of Legit Friendship

1. Counsel : Give it and receive it Thoughtfully (Proverbs 27:9)


2. Correction : Give it and receive it Humbly (Proverbs 27:6)


3. Comfort : Give it and receive it Constantly (Proverbs 17:17)

Sermon Notes (PDF): BLANK
Hint: Highlight blanks above for answers!

• Audio Transcript

  00:00-00:03

  All right, turn in your Bibles to the book of Proverbs.

  00:04-00:09

  We're going to be bouncing around to a few Proverbs.

  00:16-00:21

  But before we turn, Aria, who is this guy standing up here beside you today?

  00:23-00:25

  You don't know.

  00:28-00:30

  He just wandered on stage and you're like, can you play the guitar?

  00:31-00:32

  He wasn't bad.

  00:35-00:37

  Okay, yeah, he wasn't bad at all.

  00:37-00:41

  Actually, that was Levi and he's your brother, right?

  00:43-00:46

  So I wanted to ask you what it was like to have a brother that can play the guitar.

  00:55-00:57

  That's okay, you weren't the only one.

  00:57-01:02

  >> [LAUGHTER] >> I'm just kidding.

  01:02-01:03

  My brother can play guitar too.

  01:04-01:06

  But it's great to have you up here, Levi.

  01:06-01:13

  >> [INAUDIBLE] >> [LAUGHTER] >> All right, well, since that was such a hit, let's try this.

  01:15-01:17

  We're going to play a game.

  01:18-01:18

  All right?

  01:19-01:20

  Here's how this game goes.

  01:21-01:22

  I'm going to start singing a song.

  01:23-01:23

  Yes.

  01:24-01:26

  I'm going to start singing a song.

  01:28-01:30

  And when you know what the song is, I want you to chime in.

  01:31-01:31

  All right?

  01:32-01:34

  But you can't leave me up here.

  01:34-01:34

  All right?

  01:36-01:38

  You can't be like kind of mumbling the words.

  01:39-01:40

  No, don't leave me up here.

  01:41-01:42

  All right?

  01:44-01:49

  This first one's going to be for people about my age, or maybe even a little older.

  01:50-01:52

  Young people might not get this one, but we're going to take a shot.

  01:52-01:52

  You ready?

  01:53-01:58

  >> This is the part where I really wish that I was musical.

  02:00-02:05

  >> [MUSIC PLAYING] >> Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

  02:06-02:10

  Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.

  02:11-02:14

  Wouldn't you like to get away?

  02:15-02:16

  Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

  02:18-02:19

  Sometimes you want to go.

  02:19-02:33

  >> [SINGING] >> You want to be where people know troubles are all the same.

  02:34-02:35

  You want to be where?

  02:37-02:42

  You want to go where people know people are all the same.

  02:42-02:43

  You want to go where?

  02:46-02:49

  All right, give yourselves a hand.

  02:49-02:50

  Well done.

  02:50-02:54

  That is the theme song from...

  02:55-02:56

  All right, how many people did not know that?

  02:56-02:57

  Just be honest, raise your hands.

  02:58-03:00

  Okay, all the young people did not know that.

  03:00-03:04

  Okay, that was the theme song from "Cheers." All right, you ready for another one?

  03:06-03:09

  Like, I thought I was in church.

  03:12-03:17

  If you thought you were in like stuffy, boring church, you're in the wrong place.

  03:18-03:21

  We're serious about the word of God, but we like to have fun here.

  03:21-03:22

  And there is a point to this.

  03:23-03:25

  All right, you ready for this next one?

  03:27-03:27

  All right.

  03:28-03:34

  My wife was like, "You're not gonna sing in church." Sorry, hon. (laughs) Okay, here we go.

  03:35-04:12

  ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ ♪ Traveled down the road and back again ♪ ♪ Your heart is true ♪ ♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪ ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ ♪ And if you threw a party ♪ ♪ With everyone you knew ♪ ♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me ♪ ♪ And the card attached would say ♪ ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ Okay.

  04:14-04:19

  All right, that is the theme from Golden Girls.

  04:19-04:20

  All right, one more.

  04:20-04:24

  And this is just next line, please.

  04:24-04:26

  Okay, just the next line, okay?

  04:30-04:33

  So no one told you life was going to be this way.

  04:35-04:35

  Thank you, yeah.

  04:36-04:37

  (claps)

  04:37-04:39

  That's the next line to that song.

  04:39-04:40

  And that is the theme from?

  04:41-04:42

  That is the theme from Friends.

  04:42-04:46

  and you're like, "Oh, why are we doing this?" Well, here's why.

  04:47-04:49

  I wish my friendships were like the ones on TV.

  04:51-04:51

  Don't you?

  04:52-04:56

  Why are those shows, you know, we could go on and on and on.

  04:56-04:58

  I don't even know what's on TV nowadays.

  04:59-05:07

  But why were shows like Cheers and The Golden Girls and Friends, why were those shows so popular?

  05:10-05:26

  I think the reason those shows were so popular was because they were about these uninhibited, open, loving, straightforward, often hilarious friendships.

  05:27-05:31

  And I watched those shows and I think, man, I wish my friendships were like that.

  05:33-05:35

  And you're like, you wish you were friends with Betty White.

  05:37-05:38

  No, no, no.

  05:40-05:41

  I wish I was friends with all of them.

  05:41-05:45

  Could you see yourself like in, like you're like with those people?

  05:45-05:50

  For some of you, that's not much of a stretch, you know, but to see yourself with those roommates.

  05:52-06:00

  Or like the cast from "Cheers." Remember, George Wendt's character would walk in and everybody would say?

  06:01-06:02

  Norm, right.

  06:04-06:06

  There's something appealing about that, isn't there?

  06:07-06:09

  Like, we knew this guy and we like this guy.

  06:14-06:18

  And then friends, oh, I wish my life was just sitting around a coffee shop all the time.

  06:19-06:26

  But for those of us that have a job, we realize that life doesn't really turn out that way, does it?

  06:27-06:30

  Well, today we're going to talk about good old-fashioned friendship.

  06:32-06:37

  You know the value of friendship.

  06:38-06:45

  because it's woven into your very nature. In fact, we were built for friendship.

  06:48-07:34

  The Bible tells us that we were made in the image of God. And what does that mean? That means a lot of things. But do you realize one aspect of what that means? God himself is a perfect society. Did you know that? There is one God, but he exists as three persons, and there's a sense in which you could say God is the perfect society. So why are we discussing friendship in church if it's such a part of who we are? And I imagine most everyone in here has some friends, I imagine. Why are we discussing this in church? We'll jot these things down, just three quick reasons why I think it's important. Number one, friends are hard to gain and easy to lose. Is that true?

  07:35-07:55

  Friends are hard to gain and easy to lose. So often as friends we sin against one another, we take offense against one another, we neglect one another. Friends are hard to gain and easy to lose.

  07:56-08:00

  Second reason is this, our society is becoming more and more isolated.

  08:04-08:06

  Our society is becoming more and more isolated.

  08:07-08:14

  Let's be honest, for most of us, we'd rather stay at home and watch an episode of "Friends" than go hang out with actual friends.

  08:14-08:15

  Is that true or false?

  08:16-08:16

  True.

  08:18-08:19

  We live in a day of the internet.

  08:20-08:24

  We'd rather get on a chat room then go talk to someone.

  08:26-08:31

  We live in a day of texting.

  08:32-08:34

  Texting, it kills me.

  08:34-08:40

  Did you ever go to the mall and you see a bunch of teenagers sitting like by the fountain or whatever, they're like texting each other?

  08:41-08:43

  Like, dude, he is right beside you.

  08:44-08:48

  Why don't you turn your head and practice communicating?

  08:49-08:52

  We're raising up a whole generation of kids that don't know how to communicate.

  08:54-09:10

  We're raising up a whole generation of kids that someday are gonna have to go to a job interview and the person hiring them is gonna say, "Would you have any special skills?" And these kids are gonna be like, you should get that in a minute.

  09:12-09:14

  They don't know how to actually talk to people.

  09:17-09:18

  We're in a day of isolation.

  09:18-09:25

  and we build patios behind our house and put fences around them, where we used to sit on the front porch and talk to neighbors.

  09:27-09:29

  And it happens in the church as well.

  09:31-09:34

  It happens not just in this church, but it happens in every church.

  09:34-09:37

  It's easy to slip in late and slip out early.

  09:37-09:39

  Hopefully nobody knows I was here.

  09:40-09:46

  I wanna go to church, but not really be too social about it.

  09:47-09:57

  You know, this past Thursday I was at a meeting of a bunch of preachers in the North Hills, preachers from North Bridge and Northway and Covenant.

  09:59-10:20

  And the one pastor spoke up, he said, "I have a serious question I want to ask you guys." He said, "Are you having problems in your churches with people that would rather catch the message online and not attend?" He said, "I'm seeing that as more and more of a trend in our church.

  10:20-10:28

  When people know that they can hear the sermon online, Sunday morning they figure, 'Do I even need to get up and go to church?

  10:28-10:38

  I'm tired. I got stuff to do. I'll just listen to the message online, and that's the same as going to church.'" Is that the same as going to church?

  10:39-10:42

  I would suggest to you that it is absolutely not the same thing.

  10:43-10:54

  You know, the Bible calls us to assemble as a congregation, to come and cry out to the Lord as a congregation, and to get into the Word, and to worship as a congregation.

  10:54-10:58

  The biggest book in your Bible is what? Psalms.

  10:58-11:02

  And what's Psalms about? God's people coming together to praise God.

  11:02-11:06

  You can't do that at home by yourself.

  11:07-11:10

  You can't do that just by downloading something from the Internet.

  11:10-11:16

  We are called to come together and worship as a church together.

  11:19-11:23

  So, friends are hard to gain, easy to lose. Our society is becoming more isolated.

  11:23-11:27

  The third reason we're going to talk about friendship this week and next week is this.

  11:28-11:35

  Left to ourselves. Left to ourselves, it is hard to know how to strengthen or maintain a friendship.

  11:38-11:43

  What words, what deeds, how do we strengthen and maintain relationships if we're left to ourselves?

  11:43-11:44

  It's hard to know.

  11:45-11:51

  But church, the good news is this, we have a level of friendship that Jesus Christ alone makes possible.

  11:53-11:56

  So if you have your outline, look at the back of your bulletin outline.

  11:56-11:59

  We're just gonna talk about three things today.

  12:00-12:03

  These are three marks of legit friendship.

  12:03-12:05

  All in favor of legit friendship?

  12:06-12:11

  None of this, he might say hi to me if I like run into him with my car.

  12:11-12:13

  I mean like legit friendships.

  12:15-12:36

  I go, "Pastor Jeff, my friends are so lame." Well, Proverbs 27, 17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." And as we go through these three marks of a legit friendship, something that you have to keep in the back of your mind is this, Friendship is always going to be give and take.

  12:38-12:40

  Iron sharpens iron, it's give and take.

  12:42-12:52

  If you're a friend that's all take and no give, you're needy and you're going to take advantage of people.

  12:53-12:57

  And you're going to find yourself in a place where it's hard to keep friends.

  12:59-13:06

  Because when people see you, they associate, well, he's always wanting something from me And every time I see her, she's having the worst day of her life.

  13:07-13:08

  Is it really always that bad?

  13:10-13:22

  If you're all take and no give, people are going to feel like you're taking advantage of them, but if you're all give and no take, you're going to breed resentment in your own hearts.

  13:24-13:25

  All give and no take.

  13:26-13:27

  You're going to start resenting people.

  13:28-13:30

  You're going to think everybody's out to use you.

  13:33-13:38

  So good friends are rare, and I would encourage you to be the kind of friend that you want to have.

  13:39-13:41

  Be the kind of friend that you want to have.

  13:42-13:50

  Because here's the thing, when it comes to relationships in the Bible, who is the burden on, really?

  13:51-13:52

  The burden's on me, isn't it?

  13:55-14:04

  When we come to church, you know, there's gonna be somebody sitting here that's like, "Wow, I wish so-and-so "was here to hear this message." It's not what it's about.

  14:05-14:07

  God has his thing going on with so-and-so.

  14:08-14:10

  Right now is God's time to be working on you.

  14:11-14:12

  So the burden's on you.

  14:13-14:17

  Instead of sitting here saying, "Oh, I wish I had a better wife." No, you need to be a better husband.

  14:19-14:24

  Or, "Oh, I wish I had better employees working for me." Maybe you need to be a better employer.

  14:25-14:30

  And then when we talk about friendship, you're like, "Man, I wish I had better friends." Maybe you need to be a better friend.

  14:31-14:34

  And that's why when we go through these Proverbs, it's give and take.

  14:35-14:41

  This is what you should expect from your friends, but this is something also that you should be willing to give your friends.

  14:41-14:42

  Everybody with me?

  14:44-14:45

  Everybody with me?

  14:45-14:47

  We're so tired from all that singing.

  14:50-14:54

  Not just the worship, I mean, that was just joy, but you made us sing those Golden Girls songs.

  14:56-14:57

  All right, number one.

  15:00-15:03

  Number one, three marks of legit friendship, counsel.

  15:04-15:07

  Counsel, give it and receive it thoughtfully.

  15:08-15:11

  Give it and receive it thoughtfully.

  15:12-15:14

  Look at Proverbs 27 in verse nine.

  15:16-15:21

  It says, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad.

  15:26-15:32

  And the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

  15:34-15:36

  Do you get the picture there?

  15:37-15:43

  Keep in mind when this was written, you didn't have college students running around that bathed themselves in Axe body spray.

  15:45-15:51

  Perfume and oil would have been more rare and it would have been more special to have that scent.

  15:54-16:10

  So just like when you would approach someone that, "Ah, he smells good." And, "Wow, she really smells nice." The sweetness of that aroma is compared to the sweetness of a friend from his, what?

  16:11-16:12

  From his earnest counsel.

  16:14-16:15

  From his earnest counsel.

  16:17-16:26

  Every single one of us are constantly in every stage of life faced with tough decisions.

  16:28-16:31

  Whatever stage of life you're in right now, you are facing decisions.

  16:33-16:37

  You know, when you're in high school, it's, you know, what do I wanna do with my life?

  16:37-16:39

  What college do I wanna go to?

  16:39-16:45

  And then you get to college, and where am I going to seek employment when I graduate?

  16:47-16:49

  Or what about getting married?

  16:49-16:51

  What about having children?

  16:52-16:54

  What about where I'm going to attend church?

  16:54-16:58

  Or what to invest money in or spend money on?

  16:58-17:08

  Or, well, a true friend gives earnest counsel, but a true friend doesn't step in as your therapist, okay?

  17:09-17:13

  Like, I'm trying to decide what college I need to go to.

  17:14-17:20

  You know, your true friend doesn't step in with their pen and their clipboard, like, Well, let's take notes.

  17:22-17:23

  I want you to list for me all the pros.

  17:24-17:26

  I want you to list for me all, they don't do that.

  17:27-17:30

  Because here's the thing, a true friend earnestly cares.

  17:32-17:36

  Because for a true friend, your problem is their problem and vice versa.

  17:37-17:38

  That's how you know a friend.

  17:41-17:43

  You know a friend when your problem becomes their problem.

  17:47-17:51

  and their problem feels like your problem.

  17:55-18:08

  Proverbs 15, 22 says, "Without counsel, plans fail, "but with many advisors, they succeed." We are to be people who give earnest counsel to our friends.

  18:10-18:12

  So you're like, well, how do I do that?

  18:13-18:14

  This is Counseling 101.

  18:16-18:18

  First of all, I'm gonna give you two lists here very quickly.

  18:19-18:21

  But first of all, here's how not to give counsel.

  18:22-18:23

  Here's how not to give counsel.

  18:29-18:30

  How not to give counsel.

  18:30-18:35

  First of all, don't offer counsel without relational equity.

  18:37-18:40

  Do not offer counsel without relational equity.

  18:41-18:43

  What is relational equity?

  18:45-18:46

  That's this.

  18:48-18:54

  It's when you're invested enough into the person that you're allowed to speak into the person.

  18:56-18:57

  That's relational equity.

  19:00-19:02

  Or to put it another way, think of it this way.

  19:05-19:14

  A complete stranger walks up to you on the street, somebody you've never met before, and they say, "I think you're making a stupid decision." How do you react to that?

  19:15-19:33

  You're like, "And you are, and I should listen to you, why?" And your father comes to you and says, "Son, I think you're making a very stupid decision." You should actually stop and think about that, why?

  19:34-19:36

  Because your father has built up some relational equity, hasn't he?

  19:37-19:38

  You have that relationship.

  19:39-19:40

  He's been pouring into you.

  19:41-19:45

  You would give your father much more of an attentive ear than you would give a complete stranger.

  19:46-20:02

  But when we talk about friendship, you should be investing in each other with relational equity, pouring into each other, that you have the right to speak into that person's life.

  20:06-20:09

  You can't give counsel unless you've earned that right.

  20:10-20:17

  because otherwise you're going to turn them off to you and you'll turn them off to whatever you've said.

  20:18-20:24

  And listen, I'm not gonna go into details, but this is something I watched unfold right before my eyes a few months ago.

  20:25-20:33

  Somebody that didn't have any relational equity at all with another person stepped in basically telling this other person how to run their life and do their job and this, that, and the other.

  20:35-20:47

  The person got very offended because the person that stepped in to give all the advice didn't have any relational equity, but came across as if they were this person's parents.

  20:50-20:59

  So not only was the person rejected, but even if there was a nugget of truth in what that person was trying to communicate, that was rejected because the person was rejected.

  20:59-21:00

  Is everybody with me?

  21:01-21:03

  You have to build into people.

  21:03-21:14

  You have to have that loving relationship already established before you can step in and offer counsel, relational equity.

  21:17-21:22

  Secondly, don't become the mutual admiration society.

  21:24-21:27

  Don't become the mutual admiration society.

  21:28-21:30

  Anybody members of the mutual admiration society?

  21:31-21:32

  You're fantastic.

  21:32-21:33

  No, you're fantastic.

  21:36-21:36

  No, you're fabulous.

  21:36-21:38

  No, you're fabulous.

  21:39-21:41

  You're so smart. No, you're so smart.

  21:44-21:47

  Sometimes giving counsel means you have to say some hard things.

  21:48-21:52

  And you have to say some things that the person might not necessarily want to hear.

  21:52-21:58

  So you better have the relational equity to pull that off, first of all, but don't become the mutual admiration society.

  21:59-22:00

  Thirdly, don't be hasty.

  22:02-22:03

  Don't be hasty.

  22:04-22:09

  That's why Proverbs says, The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.

  22:11-22:13

  And part of being earnest means it's not hasty.

  22:14-22:16

  He's actually taking some time to think about this.

  22:21-22:25

  You know, that's one of the wisest things you can hear somebody say if you go to them for advice.

  22:25-22:28

  And they say, "Let me get back to you on that." That's wisdom.

  22:29-22:35

  You wouldn't walk away from that going, "Well, he's really dumb, he doesn't know." No, it's wisdom because he's saying, "I wanna think about this.

  22:35-22:37

  I wanna pray about this.

  22:37-22:38

  That's wisdom.

  22:38-22:39

  So don't be hasty.

  22:39-22:40

  Also, don't be trite.

  22:41-22:42

  Number four, don't be trite.

  22:42-22:43

  This is the worst, Christians.

  22:44-22:48

  We are so guilty of this, every single one of us, and we're all gonna stop.

  22:49-22:53

  We on this day make a covenant to stop being trite in our counsel.

  22:56-22:57

  Will you make that covenant with me?

  22:58-22:59

  To stop being trite?

  22:59-23:01

  You're like, "What do you mean?" Here's what I mean.

  23:04-23:07

  with your brother or sister and the Lord's going in for like cancer treatment.

  23:08-23:11

  And you're like, well, God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.

  23:13-23:14

  First of all, that's not even in the Bible.

  23:15-23:20

  Second of all, that person needs compassion.

  23:20-23:23

  That person doesn't need like the saying on the front of a Hallmark card.

  23:24-23:25

  God doesn't give you any more than you can handle.

  23:26-23:27

  Yeah, thank you for that.

  23:28-23:28

  Thank you.

  23:31-23:42

  Or this one, you're going through a hard time and your friend comes alongside and says, "Well, you know, God helps those who help themselves." You know, Ben Franklin said that, right?

  23:43-23:45

  You know that's not in the Bible, right?

  23:46-23:47

  But we have, what are some more?

  23:47-23:48

  Do you have any more?

  23:48-24:00

  You know, these little sayings that we give to each other as Christians, these little trite little things, the worst of which is, "Well, I'll pray for you." No, you won't, liar.

  24:01-24:02

  How about you pray right now?

  24:02-24:05

  So don't be trite, okay?

  24:05-24:05

  Don't be trite.

  24:05-24:12

  When somebody comes to you and they want a compassionate ear, don't give them some stupid hallmark expression.

  24:12-24:13

  Will you make that covenant with me?

  24:15-24:16

  Will you make that covenant with me?

  24:16-24:17

  Okay, some of you will.

  24:18-24:20

  Some of you are content to, God helps those who help themselves thing.

  24:21-24:21

  Okay.

  24:23-24:24

  All right.

  24:26-24:29

  Okay, last and most important.

  24:30-24:33

  When somebody comes to you, Here's how, this is, again, how I'm not to give counsel.

  24:34-24:36

  Don't be a storytopper.

  24:38-24:39

  Don't be a storytopper.

  24:39-24:41

  Do you know what a storytopper is?

  24:41-24:42

  Do you know what a storytopper is?

  24:44-24:45

  Here's a storytopper.

  24:45-24:52

  My friend, Sean, comes to me and he's like, "Man, I'm tired, man." And I'm like, "Oh, you think you're tired?

  24:52-25:04

  I haven't slept in four days." And Sean's like, "Yeah, I've just been kind of tired because Spencer's been up a lot.

  25:04-25:06

  Oh, you think your kids have been up a lot?

  25:07-25:09

  I haven't slept since 2005.

  25:12-25:13

  (congregation laughing)

  25:14-25:19

  And Sean's like, yeah, but our work schedules have just been so hectic.

  25:19-25:21

  Oh, you think your work schedules have been hectic?

  25:24-25:25

  Worked 250 hours last week.

  25:28-25:29

  I worked with a guy that told me that by the way.

  25:30-25:34

  He was a truck driver and he told me he worked 250 hours last week.

  25:34-25:36

  I'm like, I'm not even gonna try to top that one.

  25:37-25:37

  But you see what I mean?

  25:38-25:46

  Storytoppers, Sean's gonna walk away from that conversation going, wow, the spotlight sure went on Jeff in a hurry.

  25:47-26:02

  You know, I came to him thinking that we could talk and maybe he could encourage me, but I just took the spotlight right off of his problems that he's coming to me as a friend and putting them on me to say, "No, Sean, here's why we should talk about me.

  26:02-26:04

  "Here's why we should feel bad about me.

  26:04-26:11

  "Can I please be the center of attention for a little bit?" That's lousy friendship, lousy friendship, okay?

  26:12-26:14

  Don't make it about you.

  26:14-26:15

  Somebody comes to you with a problem.

  26:17-26:25

  They don't wanna hear about how terrible of a day you had because your cat had the flu or whatever, okay?

  26:25-26:26

  So here's how to counsel.

  26:27-26:29

  I know they offer like whole college courses on this.

  26:30-26:31

  So I heard Debbie.

  26:33-26:34

  So I heard.

  26:36-26:38

  This is how to give counsel.

  26:40-26:41

  Here's how to give counsel, real easy.

  26:41-26:47

  Number one, when you talk to someone, the question you need to ask yourself is this, what's the real concern here?

  26:48-26:49

  What's the real concern?

  26:49-26:51

  I've done a lot of counseling over the years.

  26:52-26:53

  That is the number one question.

  26:53-27:00

  The first time, I've done a lot of marriage counseling, the first time a couple comes into me with a problem, that's what we're going after.

  27:00-27:01

  What's the real concern?

  27:01-27:07

  I know you came in here thinking you knew what the problem was, but that might not be what the problem actually is.

  27:07-27:13

  And you don't actually say that because the whole situation is fueled with emotions, right?

  27:14-27:20

  But what you're thinking in the back of your mind is, I wanna hear what they say the problem is and perceive if that's actually the problem.

  27:23-27:24

  What's the real concern?

  27:24-27:26

  So I would encourage you, take time to listen.

  27:27-27:29

  Just listen, just listen to them.

  27:30-27:30

  Just listen.

  27:33-27:34

  Just listen.

  27:35-27:37

  What do you think the problem is?

  27:38-27:42

  Number two, these are all questions.

  27:42-27:44

  What does the Bible say?

  27:45-27:47

  A true friend points you to the word.

  27:47-27:48

  A true friend does.

  27:49-27:52

  And they come to you with their problem and I've listened to your problem.

  27:53-27:55

  Okay, Sean, well, what does the Bible say about that?

  27:56-27:59

  You know, the Bible has some passages that address that problem you're going through.

  27:59-28:01

  Let's go through and see what the word of God says.

  28:02-28:03

  A true friend does that.

  28:05-28:12

  Thirdly, ask, what steps do we need to take?

  28:13-28:21

  Now, I inserted the word we here, because when we're talking about friendship, remember, your problem is my problem, and my problem is your problem.

  28:22-28:23

  What steps do we need to take?

  28:24-28:27

  Your friend needs to know that you're on their side and you're in this with them.

  28:28-28:29

  They need to know that.

  28:29-28:35

  So Sean comes to me, he's like, "Man, I'm having a problem." Okay, Sean, here's what the Bible says, so what are we gonna do about it?

  28:35-28:41

  Now Sean knows I'm not just sending you off with a grocery list of things to do.

  28:41-28:42

  Like, Sean, we're gonna work through this, man.

  28:43-28:44

  You're my friend and we're gonna work through this together.

  28:45-28:47

  And there's we, right?

  28:48-28:53

  So he leaves that conversation feeling like, you know what, I'm not alone.

  28:54-28:55

  I'm not alone.

  28:56-29:01

  However else this problem might be bad, at least I don't have to face it by myself.

  29:02-29:06

  We, what steps do we need to take?

  29:07-29:09

  And then the fourth question is this, how are we going to take the first step?

  29:11-29:12

  Didn't you just say that?

  29:13-29:13

  No, it's different.

  29:14-29:19

  We need to look at the steps that we need to take, But next we need to ask, well, how are we gonna take the first step?

  29:20-29:30

  'Cause so many times people are like, well, we need to do this, we need to do that, we need to do this, and we're left with this kind of list in our heads of all these things we need to do, but nothing really happens.

  29:31-29:33

  So you have to ask, well, how are we going to do the first thing?

  29:36-29:40

  And then fifth, how can I follow up with my friend?

  29:42-29:44

  How can I follow up with my friend?

  29:47-29:51

  You know, I should be on the phone, email, texting, whatever, following up.

  29:52-29:56

  "Sean, you came to me with that problem and, you know, how are we doing now?

  29:57-30:04

  You know, have you seen any improvement? What do we need to do? Do you need to get together?" That's how to give counsel.

  30:05-30:09

  Counsel should be wisely given and humbly received.

  30:09-30:14

  Yes, receive. Don't be the guy that dishes out all the counsel but won't take any.

  30:15-30:17

  Iron sharpens iron, right?

  30:18-30:20

  Okay, secondly, correction.

  30:22-30:22

  Correction.

  30:25-30:27

  Just like we said, counsel, give it and receive it thoughtfully.

  30:28-30:31

  Correction, give it and receive it humbly.

  30:33-30:35

  Give it and receive it humbly.

  30:36-30:39

  Look up a few verses with me, Proverbs 27, 6.

  30:42-30:45

  It says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

  30:50-30:59

  Profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Now my Bible says, "Profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Does anybody else, your Bible say something different there?

  31:01-31:01

  What's that?

  31:02-31:04

  I can't hear you, say it real loud.

  31:05-31:07

  But, it just says but.

  31:08-31:08

  Okay.

  31:09-31:11

  Any other words for profuse?

  31:11-31:12

  That's an interesting translation.

  31:14-31:15

  What do you got, Taylor?

  31:17-31:18

  Do you have profuse?

  31:19-31:20

  Oh, we have the same translation.

  31:21-31:22

  I party on.

  31:22-31:24

  Anybody else have anything other than profuse?

  31:27-31:29

  An enemy multiplies kisses.

  31:29-31:33

  Okay, now we're getting closer to what this word means.

  31:34-31:36

  Some translations might have deceitful.

  31:36-31:38

  Does anybody have something that says like deceitful?

  31:39-31:41

  Okay, some translations say that.

  31:44-31:53

  "Multiplies kisses, deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." You know, this is the guy that just lays it on thick.

  31:53-32:13

  You know, he's just, "Mmm, we have expressions for that." Right? Like, "You're just kissing up." Right? "You're just kissing up. You're just kissing up. Stop kissing up." "Oh, your hair looks so lovely today." And kissing up.

  32:16-32:17

  Profuse.

  32:17-32:20

  Well, do you see the contrast?

  32:22-32:25

  Somebody that doesn't really love you does that.

  32:26-32:33

  But somebody that really does love you will wound you on purpose.

  32:36-32:43

  Like counsel, this is speaking the truth in love, but it requires much more relational equity.

  32:45-32:56

  See, where counseling prevents somebody going on the wrong path, correction restores somebody that went on the wrong path.

  32:57-33:07

  Where counseling encourages people to stay off the wrong path, correction helps get you off of the wrong path once you have gotten on it.

  33:08-33:13

  And that's where you're going to find the difference between real friends and fake friends.

  33:13-33:14

  Do you wanna know where to find the difference?

  33:14-33:16

  I'm gonna give you some help here today.

  33:17-33:18

  Here's what you do.

  33:20-33:27

  If you're not sure if somebody's really your friend, go out to a restaurant with them.

  33:28-33:33

  And when they're not looking, take a little piece of food or something and put it on the corner of the outside of your mouth.

  33:36-33:39

  and then see if they say something to you.

  33:41-33:44

  Because somebody that's not a true friend will not say something to you.

  33:45-33:48

  They'll let that stuff hang all over your face, won't say a word to you.

  33:50-33:56

  A true friend will say, "Hey, go like this." That's how you know a true friend.

  33:59-34:09

  So when it says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend," You see, it might start with, hey, go like this, but a true friend's also willing to step in when they see that you are heading down a destructive path.

  34:10-34:11

  You're making some bad choices.

  34:12-34:20

  And if they're not willing to tell you about the stuff on your mouth, they're not gonna be willing to tell you, you're heading down a wrong path, man.

  34:20-34:23

  I see you picking up some old habits that you used to do.

  34:24-34:27

  And do you remember the hell that it put your family through when you went through that before?

  34:28-34:28

  Don't do it, man.

  34:29-34:31

  Don't do it, you're making some bad choices.

  34:32-34:34

  I'm not going to let you destroy yourself.

  34:35-34:36

  That's a true friend.

  34:40-34:51

  When we fall into sin, when we fall into temptation, when we fall into compromise, they're willing to step in, they're willing to risk hurting your feelings.

  34:52-34:53

  Excuse me.

  34:53-34:58

  They're willing to risk damaging the relationship to tell you they're wrong.

  35:01-35:07

  It's like removing cancer, it's very painful, but it's much better if it's suffered sooner than later.

  35:08-35:10

  I love you too much to let this go.

  35:11-35:13

  I love you too much to watch you hurt yourself.

  35:13-35:14

  I'm not gonna do it.

  35:15-35:16

  I am not going to do it.

  35:17-35:25

  So if you're wondering, you know, if you have a friend that might be heading down the wrong path and you're like, well, should I say something to them?

  35:26-35:27

  Well, there's a right and a wrong way to do it.

  35:29-35:41

  If you have a friend that you might have to have one of these hard conversations with, you might have to have one of these hard conversations with, do these two things first.

  35:42-35:42

  Jot thiss down.

  35:43-35:52

  The first thing you need to do is ask, "Why do I need to say something?" The first thing you need to do is ask, "Why do I need to say something?

  35:53-35:54

  Is this really an issue?

  35:55-35:56

  Is this really an issue?

  36:02-36:03

  Is it an issue?

  36:07-36:15

  Oh no, I saw Carrie and Paul shopping at Target, and I really think they should shop at Walmart.

  36:16-36:17

  I'm going to have to talk to them about that.

  36:19-36:22

  You'd be surprised at non-issues that people turn into issues.

  36:24-36:37

  True story, many years ago, I had some parents call me because I took a class of kids outside to play because it was such a beautiful day and we went outside to play and these parents called me.

  36:37-36:38

  We need to have a meeting.

  36:39-36:40

  Like, oh, why?

  36:41-36:42

  I didn't know you were going outside.

  36:43-36:45

  Like, we need to have a meeting about that?

  36:45-36:47

  Watch out for that, that we have to have a meeting, people.

  36:50-36:52

  Everything becomes an issue.

  36:53-37:04

  Everything is, you know, Defcon 5, code red, maximum security alerts, everything's an issue.

  37:06-37:07

  Don't be that friend.

  37:08-37:11

  So, why do I need to say something?

  37:11-37:17

  And then, if you realize, you know what, this is not a trivial thing, this is an issue.

  37:19-37:24

  Next you need to ask, what do I need to say, how do I need to say it and when do I need to say it.

  37:24-37:27

  So the first is why, then you need to do what, how, and when.

  37:32-37:32

  What, how, and when.

  37:32-37:34

  Be careful and measure your words.

  37:36-37:46

  Sometimes this is where an email can actually help set the table for discussion, that you carefully write something out to say, hey, I want to talk to you about.

  37:46-37:55

  And it gives you the opportunity to be more selective in your words to go back and edit that, really measuring what you're going to say.

  37:59-38:03

  So correction, give it and receive it humbly, humbly.

  38:04-38:09

  And then finally for today, comfort, give it and receive it constantly.

  38:10-38:12

  Turn back with me to Proverbs 17, 17.

  38:14-38:17

  Comfort, give it and receive it constantly.

  38:19-38:21

  A friend loves at all times.

  38:24-38:29

  And a brother is born for adversity.

  38:32-38:39

  So obviously we're seeing a deep, deeper, and deepest when we get to levels of relationship.

  38:40-38:41

  Here's another test for you.

  38:41-38:45

  If you wonder how deep your relationship is with someone, Here's how you know.

  38:45-38:48

  You go to their house, what happens?

  38:48-38:49

  One of three things.

  38:49-38:55

  One, they offer you a drink and you accept a drink.

  38:55-38:57

  That's one level of friendship, right?

  38:57-39:00

  They offer you a drink and you accept a drink.

  39:01-39:06

  The second level of friendship is you actually go in and you ask them for a drink.

  39:07-39:08

  Like, "Hey, how are you guys doing?

  39:08-39:11

  Ben, do you have anything to drink?" That's the second level of friendship.

  39:13-39:14

  You know what the third level is, right?

  39:16-39:18

  You go in their refrigerator and you get it yourself.

  39:19-39:21

  That's the third level of friendship.

  39:24-39:25

  So test that.

  39:27-39:31

  If you're not sure how deep of a relationship you have, I'm giving you another test to do.

  39:31-39:35

  Next time you're ever at somebody's house, get in their refrigerator and see what they do.

  39:37-39:39

  Just get in the refrigerator and see what they do.

  39:40-39:42

  Your true friends, they won't even bat an eye.

  39:43-39:44

  Like you need help finding something in there.

  39:45-39:47

  We might have more stuff down in the pantry.

  39:47-39:55

  You have a people that maybe you don't have as close of a relationship as you thought, they're gonna be like, "What in the world "is he doing in my refrigerator?" Just give that a try.

  39:57-39:58

  Well, it's the same way scripturally.

  39:59-40:10

  Good friends counsel, better friends give correction, but your closest friends are the people that are there for comfort.

  40:10-40:18

  Actually, in the original Hebrew, the phrase at all times is actually at the front of this verse, grammatically for emphasis.

  40:19-40:33

  So if you would read this in Hebrew, it says, "At all times, a friend loves." The people who stick around and comfort you in the worst of times, those are the true friends.

  40:34-40:46

  You're going to find that when you have much to give, You have many people around, but when you're in need to receive, the number of people goes down, but the quality goes up.

  40:49-41:02

  The deepest level of friendship, honestly, when you look at friends at this level, the friends who are giving and receiving constant comfort, you do realize that 97% is just being there.

  41:02-41:03

  You know that?

  41:04-41:06

  Your friend doesn't need you to say the magic words.

  41:07-41:13

  Your friend doesn't need you to show up with the perfect sermon to walk them through this hard times.

  41:16-41:19

  It's just letting someone know you have their back, right?

  41:20-41:21

  Doesn't that make all the difference?

  41:22-41:24

  Just somebody being there, he's got my back.

  41:25-41:27

  He's got my back, that makes all the difference.

  41:28-41:31

  That friend that comes and says, "We're not going to give up.

  41:32-41:34

  Things are hard, but we're going to do this.

  41:35-41:38

  And if this ship's going down, I'm going down with you.

  41:40-41:44

  And as many of you know, we went through a rough season last fall here at Harvest Bible Chapel.

  41:44-41:47

  We had some, we had quite a few families leave.

  41:47-41:55

  Some of it was just for vocation reasons, some of it was family reasons, and for some, it was over some issues.

  41:58-42:01

  And when those things happen, they take an effect on the preacher.

  42:02-42:07

  But when all of those things kind of happen at once, it has a huge effect on the preacher.

  42:08-42:11

  It all seemed to be coming to a head all about the same time.

  42:13-42:38

  And I'll never forget Darren saying, "Jeff," he said, "I know things are rough right now." He said, "I don't care if this church turns "into Harvest Bible Chapel Miller, "and I get up and lead worship all by myself, "and you get up and preach, and I'm the only person there listening, he says, "We're going to do this." Now, how encouraged do you think I was after that little talk?

  42:40-42:43

  Like Harvest Bible Chapel Miller sounds nice.

  42:46-42:50

  And obviously, we both want more for the church than that, don't we?

  42:50-42:51

  We both want more for the church than that.

  42:52-42:54

  But do you realize what that sentiment meant to me?

  42:55-42:56

  To say, "Look, man, I got your back.

  42:57-43:02

  Yeah, you got all kinds of people leaving and people are upset and people even not upset.

  43:02-43:05

  And it looks like, is this church just unraveling?

  43:05-43:06

  But he's like, I'm not going anywhere.

  43:08-43:28

  And I'll tell you what, that sort of encouragement gives you the strength to get through a whole lot more Sundays when you know that you have people that say, if I'm going to leave the church, it's going to take somebody strapping dynamite to my face and blowing me out of the church.

  43:30-43:31

  Other than that, I'm not leaving.

  43:33-43:35

  Preachers wrestle with that kind of stuff.

  43:36-43:37

  You find who your friends are.

  43:40-43:45

  So this stuff sounds great, but where can I get a friend like that?

  43:46-43:48

  How can I be a friend like that?

  43:49-43:51

  I just want to encourage you as we close.

  43:54-43:56

  You know, we are not interested here in playing church.

  43:57-43:58

  We're not interested in playing church.

  43:59-44:00

  We wanna be the church.

  44:01-44:15

  And being the church means that we're going to cultivate loving relationships, transparent, encouraging, bearing each other's burdens relationships.

  44:16-44:19

  And that's why you've heard us say it so many times and we're going to say it again.

  44:19-44:24

  We want everybody that calls this church their home church to be involved in a small group.

  44:26-44:29

  Small groups is not just a fad.

  44:32-44:38

  Like, you know, vacation Bible school bus ministry or something that we did in the 70s.

  44:38-44:39

  It's not a fad.

  44:40-44:43

  It's not "What would Jesus do?" bracelets fads.

  44:43-44:45

  It's not that at all.

  44:46-44:47

  It's not a gimmick.

  44:50-44:52

  Actually, it's very biblical.

  44:52-44:58

  It's how people in the first century met in each other's houses, pouring into each other's lives.

  45:00-45:03

  And church, you have to have people to do life with.

  45:06-45:13

  You have to have people that you can pour into and that you will allow to pour into you.

  45:13-45:26

  That's why, you know, in your bulletin under "Walk for Christ" you're going to see there's an email where you can email smallgroups@harvestpittsburgnorth.org and that'll get you in contact with Justin and Michelle Katie.

  45:26-45:27

  Justin, wave hi to everybody.

  45:28-45:29

  See handsome Justin back there?

  45:31-45:34

  I'm a member of his Mutual Admiration Society.

  45:37-45:40

  Justin would love to get you plugged into a small group.

  45:43-45:45

  Email him, come and see me.

  45:47-45:54

  It's just so important as we talk about friendships, we wanna cultivate that.

  45:54-46:02

  We wanna be a place where we don't just talk about God.

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  We don't just talk about God's word and we don't just talk about loving people the way Jesus Christ told us to love people.

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  We wanna be a place where that happens.

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  And Harvest Bible Chapel is a church of small groups.

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  So if you're not yet plugged in, send an email, talk to Justin, talk to myself.

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  I know I love our small group.

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  And what a blessing it has been and what growth I've seen in my own life just from being part of my own small group.

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  Get on board with us.

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  So if our worship team would come forward in just a moment, we're going to be remembering the ultimate friendship because our primary friendship is to the one who makes it all possible.

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  And our greatest need is for a friendship that transcends the world.

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  You know, today we've been talking about counsel and correction and comfort.

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  You know, Jesus Christ provides all of those.

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  He provides the counsel of His Word.

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  He actually wrote it down for us so that we would know.

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  He's given us the counsel of His Word.

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  He's also given us the correction of His love.

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  He's given us comfort by giving us a comforter, His Holy Spirit who lives within us.

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  He's promised to never leave us or forsake us, Hebrews 13, five.

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  He's promised that He would be with us until the end of the age, Matthew 28, 20.

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  And I want you to hear what Jesus said about friendship.

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  This is from John chapter 15.

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  Jesus said, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

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  Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." You are my friends.

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  if you do what I command you.

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  No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends for all that I've heard from my father I have made known to you." Jesus Christ is the friend who sticks closer than a brother.

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  Jesus Christ is the friend who knows us at our very worst.

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  Do you know that?

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  the worst secret dark places about you, the things in your heart that you would be ashamed for people to know, Jesus Christ knows those things.

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  And He loves you with an infinite love anyways.

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  Isn't that awesome?

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  So if our ushers would come forward, we are going to receive the Lord's supper.

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  And I would like to remind you as always, you don't have to be a member of Harvest Bible Chapel to receive communion.

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  But you do have to be a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ.

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  You have had to receive him as your Lord and Savior.

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  And if that's true, if that's your case, he invites you to take the Lord's Supper.

Small Group Questions ­(Whole Group):
Read Proverbs 18:24

1. How do you approach a friend when you need counsel? (Proverbs 27:9)
    

2. Have you ever suffered the loss of a friendship because you told them they were wrong about something they said, did, are doing? How do you respond to correction? (Proverbs 27:6)
    

3. Who is a friend that comforts you? Share with the group how that friend comforts you, or even a specific time that friend brought comfort. (Proverbs 17:17)

Breakout Questions:

Pray for one another.