Honoring God in Your Marriage (When Your Wife is Not):
- Get to KNOW her. (1 Peter 3:7a)
- TREASURE her. (1 Peter 3:7b)
- ENJOY life with her. (1 Peter 3:7c)
Sermon Notes (PDF): BLANK
Hint: Highlight blanks above for answers!
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00:00-00:06
Open up your Bibles with me please to the book of 1 Peter 3.
00:06-00:23
This month we've been going through a sermon series called "Tighten the Knot." And when you get married, they call that "tying the knot." And if you've been married for more than seven minutes, you realize that you always have to go back - husbands and wives - and tighten that knot up again.
00:25-00:31
The title of today's message is "Tighten the Knot - Part 4 - It's been a one-sided marriage.
00:31-00:33
This is the men's edition.
00:35-00:39
And I heard this story of this husband and wife who went shopping.
00:39-00:40
They went to the mall.
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And they both had their cell phones in hand.
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And the wife had said, "I'm going to go shopping.
00:47-01:32
Why don't you go and do your thing for a while and I'll call you when I'm done." And the husband said, "Okay, that sounds good." After some time, the wife had called the husband And she said, "Where are you?" And the husband had said to the wife, "Do you remember many years ago that little jewelry store in the mall where you fell in love with this ring?" She said, "Yeah." He said, "Do you remember you loved this ring so much, but we really didn't have any money?" She goes, "Yeah." He said, "Do you remember that I told you Someday, I was going to save up the money and I was going to go back to that little jewelry store and I was going to buy you that ring.
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And the wife said, "Yeah!" And the husband said, "Well, I'm at the little coffee shop next to that jewelry store." And men are clueless.
01:45-01:45
Can I get an amen?
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This is a place to be honest.
01:49-01:50
This is a place to be honest.
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So I'm going to try that again.
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Men are clueless.
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Okay, now I want the men to say it too.
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Men are clueless.
02:00-02:03
Okay, listen guys, we are.
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We just are.
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Let's close in prayer.
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(laughing)
02:13-02:17
This month we've been talking about God's plan for marriage.
02:17-02:29
We spent some time talking about the very foundation for marriage is really in one verse, it's Genesis 2:24, when God created Eve for Adam and God's commentary on that.
02:29-02:34
He said, "For this purpose, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall hold fast to his wife.
02:34-02:40
And the two shall become one flesh." And we said that that was the most important verse in the entire Bible about marriage.
02:41-02:43
Like, how can you make a statement like that?
02:43-02:47
Well, do you remember in Matthew 19, Mark 10, Jesus was asked about marriage.
02:48-02:50
Specifically, he was asked about divorce.
02:50-02:51
Like, what's the plan?
02:51-02:57
And Jesus was like, "Genesis 2.24, that's the plan." It was and it is and it always will be.
02:58-03:12
And when Paul was writing to the Corinthians and the Ephesians, and he was talking about marriage, Paul says, "You know what marriage is about?" He said, "Marriage is about Genesis 2.24." He quotes it, both passages.
03:13-03:14
That's God's plan, it hasn't changed.
03:15-03:17
We were called to leave, cleave and weave.
03:19-03:23
And we talked about the picture that God designed in marriage from Ephesians 5.
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You've got to get this picture.
03:28-03:34
If you can understand the relationship between Jesus Christ and His church, that's the picture that is to be played out in your marriage.
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The wives represent the church.
03:37-03:40
The submissive helper of Jesus Christ.
03:40-03:41
The husbands represent Christ.
03:41-03:45
The servant leader over His church.
03:46-03:50
Last week, we picked up in 1 Peter, when he gives a word to wives.
03:51-03:54
He said if your husband isn't obeying the Word, what do you do about that?
03:54-04:01
And it's really found not in badgering him or preaching at him or guilt trip, it's about your conduct.
04:01-04:02
It's about your character.
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It's about your trust in God.
04:08-04:09
Now we turn to the men.
04:12-04:12
Men.
04:12-04:14
This theme continues through 1 Peter.
04:16-04:19
balls in your court this week, how can you tighten the knot?
04:21-04:28
Even if your wife is unsaved, even if your wife isn't walking with the Lord, how can you tighten the knot in your marriage?
04:29-04:30
We're going to look at just one verse today.
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Look at verse 7, where Peter writes, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding "Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." Like, wait a minute, why do the wives get six verses and the husbands get just one verse?
05:05-05:06
I have a couple of theories on that.
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One is, I think it's a matter of attention span.
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I think women can endure paying attention for six verses.
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And I think under inspiration of the Holy Spirit, Peter knew that men, one verse is about all we can handle at a time.
05:23-05:26
I'll start over. Turn in your Bibles to 1 Peter 3.
05:28-05:29
What was I talking about?
05:30-05:32
Oh, okay. Men get one verse.
05:33-05:35
Here's really the reason why.
05:36-05:45
In this culture, just like in some cultures today, not America, but in some cultures today, if a wife becomes a Christian, a lot of times she can feel very isolated.
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If her husband is already tied into some other religion or some other way of life, the wife can feel very isolated.
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But in this culture and in some cultures today, if the husband, if the head of the house becomes a Christian, the whole house comes to Christ.
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That was sort of true in Peter's day.
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As many of you know, I went to Thailand back in November.
06:09-06:10
That's how that culture is.
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I met some very faithful Christian women whose rest of the family didn't know the Lord.
06:16-06:24
But it seems like if I met a Christian man, a Christian husband, a Christian father, it seemed like his whole family went to church.
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They were Christians.
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Let's get baptized.
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When he came to Christ, he's like, "Come on, get the kids.
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We're going to get baptized." I think that's what's happening here.
06:34-06:35
And the attention span thing.
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But one verse, and I want to challenge the men today.
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Men, you are designed in your role as husband to take the lead and to set the tone in your marriage.
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Husbands, if you want to rock in marriage, If you want to tighten the knots, do not wait for your wife to step it up.
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You step it up.
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I think that's part of the weakness we have as men.
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When my wife steps it up, then I'll start showing more interest.
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If my wife does X, Y, Z, then I'll start doing A, B, C or whatever.
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Men, God didn't assign her the role of setting the tone for your marriage.
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That's you guys.
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You step it up.
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You take the initiative.
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You set the tone for your home.
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That's not her job, that's your job.
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There are too many men that are just not doing their job.
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Where God's made it so clear, and just content to sit back and put more burden on our wives.
07:52-07:53
So I want you to take some notes today in your outline.
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Honoring God in your marriage when your wife is not.
07:59-08:02
Same theme, but principles for all of us for sure.
08:04-08:06
Honoring God in your marriage when your wife is not, write this down.
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First of all, number one, get to know her.
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Get to know her.
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Look at verse seven again.
08:15-08:20
It says, "Likewise." Likewise what?
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Well, there is a theme throughout 1 Peter.
08:22-08:29
He talked about we submit to the government as Christians, we submit to our bosses as Christians.
08:29-08:43
In chapter 3 verse 1 he says, "Likewise, wives, you submit." Verse 7, "Likewise, husbands, you submit." Same theme.
08:45-08:50
Just like with the government and your boss, wife with an unsaved husband, it's the same theme.
08:51-09:25
about how do you stand as a Christian living amongst non-christians so what does he say to do first of all he says live with your wives in an understanding way the word for understanding literally means knowing deeply through experience that's important through experience so you can know something and you can know something through experience and it's way different here's what I mean by that When I was thinking about that this week, I thought about childbirth.
09:27-09:32
You know, when I was in high school, I had to watch a video about childbirth.
09:32-09:34
How many other people had to do that at high school?
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Do you remember that day?
09:36-09:40
It was like, you know, the health science day, like, we're gonna watch a video about childbirth?
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I'm like, I am so not ready for this.
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But we had to watch a video about childbirth.
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Well, after that video, like, I know something about childbirth now.
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But fast forward a few years and my wife had two boys.
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And I was right there with her when both boys were born.
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And after that experience, you can say that I knew something else about childbirth.
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I will never know about childbirth the way that my wife knows about childbirth.
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The way that ladies here who have had children, the way that you know about childbirth, you know it through experience.
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You didn't just watch a video or read it in a book or be with somebody that had a child.
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You know it through experience.
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That's the word that Peter's using here.
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He's saying you need to know your wife deeply, emotionally, and intimately.
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You're like, does it mean that?
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Yes, it means that too.
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That's why the Bible talks about people knowing their wives.
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Intimacy.
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And there's some husbands here, because husbands are men I should say.
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Men are clueless.
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There's some men here right now that go, "Pastor Jeff, I already did that.
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I already got to know my wife." Well, that's the thing.
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You see, this is something that never stops happening.
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The verb tense is actually continual.
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So if you were reading this literally from the Greek in the verb tense written, he is saying, "Husbands, keep on living with your wives in an understanding way." This is something that I did that yesterday, guess what?
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You're doing it today.
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What happens if I have tomorrow?
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Guess what you're doing?
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You're going to know your wife.
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Continually, keep on living in an understanding way.
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If I went to your house and you were having a bonfire, and at six o'clock you put this bonfire together with the wood and the fuel and you got the fire going and I came back to you at nine o'clock and I said hey you might want to throw a couple of logs on your fire it seems like it's going down you wouldn't be foolish enough to say well Pastor Jeff I spent so much time at five o'clock getting it ready to light it at six o'clock aren't we done now you're gonna keep that thing gone you're gonna keep throwing the logs on you're gonna keep tending to it and that's what Peter's saying men you need to go after your wives that way. Keep going after her. Keep pursuing her. Keep seeking to know her and to understand her. Your job is to continually pursue knowledge, being sensitive to her feelings and her needs, her desires. So men, when it comes to your wife, one way you can evaluate yourself, what level of education do you have about your wife you know in our date night this Saturday we're going to be playing the newlywed game and I've asked three couples who bravely are stepping up to the plate we're gonna find out how much these men know about their wives hopefully I'm not repreaching this whole sermon series after the date night but what is your level of education when it comes to your wives men you have an elementary level of education? Like, I know she's a girl. Do you know anything else?
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Do you have a high school education? I know she's a girl and she smells good.
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What about a college level education?
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She is a woman and she does smell good, but she's such a unique character.
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You have a graduate school level of education.
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I wonder what she's thinking about, I wonder how she feels about that.
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I need to understand, the point here is, here's the level we're going for, man.
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You need a Ph.D. in your wife.
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You need a Ph.D.
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That's the level of education that you're going after.
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Just like with regular education, it takes time and it takes discipline, and it happens over a period of time.
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That's how it is with knowing your wife.
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It's not going to happen over one conversation at lunch today.
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It takes time.
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It takes discipline.
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You need to know your wife.
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Because men are clueless.
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There's somebody here today still saying, "I told you, Pastor Jeff, I already did get to know her.
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Back when I did get to know her, I think I did get to know her pretty good." Do you think she's changed at all since she's met you?
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Do you think that your wife has changed at all since you got married?
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You know, church, we're all changing, aren't we?
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Through life experiences, through the highs, through the lows, learning, learning things the hard way, making mistakes.
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We're all changing and learning and growing.
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Guys, are you the same guy that you were when you got married?
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Are you the same guy today?
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That you were back when you got married?
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Your wife isn't the same woman.
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That's why you need to continually get to know her.
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to understand her.
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Here's a test for you, men.
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Right now, if you can jot these things down without your wife looking over at your paper, I say go for it.
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Here's a test for you.
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What is something in your wife's life that she is joyful about right now?
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Right now.
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She liked when we went to the beach back in 2012.
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Now I'm talking about right now, today.
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What is something in her life that she is joyful about?
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What is something in your wife's life that she is fearful about right now?
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There's something that maybe she's stressing about a little bit, what is that?
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Do you know what it is?
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What is something in your wife's life right now that she's looking forward to?
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What's she excited about?
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What is a hurt that your wife is trying to get over right now?
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What is discouraging to her in this season of her life?
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What is it that makes your wife feel loved?
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You know what some people call that, the love language, right?
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There's gifts and words of affection and physical touch and whatever.
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I don't know them all.
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But what's your wife's love language?
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The big question is what kind of a man does she need you to be?
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Do you know?
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Do you know the kind of man that your wife needs you to be?
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Because men are clueless, there's somebody sitting here right now that's going, "That was a pretty tough test. How would I know this stuff?" It's called being attentive.
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Your wife, men, your wife is dying to share that information with you.
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So what you need to do is you need to put down the phone You need to turn off the TV or the Xbox.
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You need to tear yourself away from the computer or get out of the garage.
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And you need to sit down at mealtime and just talk.
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Man, you need to be laying in bed with your wife and just talking.
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Turn off the radio in the car and talk to her.
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See, Peter says this is to be a continual pursuit.
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Not just during the month of January when we're going through this Tighten the Knot series.
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Revisit this on Valentine's Day because of obligation or checking back in July.
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This is constantly, constantly seeking to know her and to understand her.
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If you haven't been, man, I encourage you today to lose the pride.
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Sit down with your wife and say something like this, I haven't been attentive and I want to do better and I need you to help me with that.
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I've had that conversation with my wife at a time that I wasn't being attentive and I just had to sit down and bare my shoulder.
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Like look, I know that I haven't been what you need me to be and let's talk about some ways that I can improve that. I'm going to swallow your pride and have that conversation.
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First of all, Peter says you need to get to know her continually. Secondly, number two, treasure her. Look at the second part of verse 7. It says, "Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.
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To honor literally means to treat something or someone like it has high value.
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Right now the ladies are like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this weaker vessel stuff?" Well the word vessel just means body.
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That's how it's used in 1 Thessalonians 4.
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But this isn't a slam.
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There can be some chauvinistic guys looking at this verse and be like, "You're weak, woman.
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You are weak.
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And I would say you are clueless.
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Because you missed the point.
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What is the point?
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The point is this.
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Do you remember when we were kids?
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Do you remember the China Cabinet?
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I was thinking about that this week.
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Mom and Dad's China Cabinet.
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I can only remember - I'm not saying this was accurate.
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I'm just saying I can only remember us using the China like twice as kids.
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much more than that? There was like two times I remember us using that china.
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That china was in its own little bookshelf thing with the glass front and it had like its own light and I think it had security systems and stuff installed. And I'm so much of a pragmatist, I never really understood that. I'm like, why don't we just use those plates? Like why are those plates is thinking special. That's the fine China. And Peter's point here is men, you need to treat your wife like fine China, like the weaker vessel, as opposed to what? As opposed to Tupperware. You know what we do with Tupperware? I'll tell you what we do with Tupperware in my house. Who left the Tupperware on the floor?
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Pick up the Tupperware, stomp, kick. Did anybody feed the dog? Hang on, I'll fill I fill up the Tupperware with food, and the dog eats out of it, and he licks it, and I put it back in the cupboard.
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And that's what we do with the Tupperware.
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That's Peter's point.
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He says, man, you don't treat your wife like Tupperware.
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You need to be treating her like the fine china.
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Protecting and loving.
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You see, I mentioned earlier, There is a submission on our part, men.
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We talk so much about wives submit to your husbands, wives submit to your husbands, and the Bible says that.
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But here guys, every man in the auditorium should have this highlighted in your Bible.
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Because husbands, you need to submit to your wives.
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Like how does that work?
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It works like this.
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Wives submit to their husbands' authority.
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Husbands should submit themselves to their wives' needs.
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You'll see the difference.
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Man, you need to submit yourself to your wife's needs.
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Even if she's not a believer.
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Even if she has been difficult.
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Even if you haven't been getting along the last few months.
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I'm going to teach you a saying that I repeat often in my own life.
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Because I need it.
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And that statement is this - you can use it.
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My conduct is not based on how My conduct is based on the Word of God.
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We're so used to this idea that I'm going to treat you the way you treat me.
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And that is so unbiblical.
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My conduct is not based on how other people treat me.
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My conduct is based on the Word of God.
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So yeah, maybe you and your wife haven't been getting along.
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Man, that has nothing to do with your conduct towards her.
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Even if you haven't been talking, She is still the fine china and still deserves, according to God's Word, for you to be treating her like a treasure.
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My conduct is not determined by how other people treat me.
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My conduct is determined by the Word of God. What does the Word say?
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The Word says to honor your wife.
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Honor your wife.
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Treat her as valuable. Treat her like the fine china.
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In other words, love your wives like Christ loved the church.
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Think about that.
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I know we talked about that a couple weeks ago, but I'm going to circle back for a second.
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I want you to think about the way Christ loves the church.
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And church, are we always lovable?
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Are we always lovable?
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Do you think Jesus looks down on the church and we just look like this basket of puppies all the time?
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I don't think so.
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Are we always faithful?
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Are we always deserving?
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But Jesus demonstrated His love for us, the church, His bride, by dying.
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Jesus' love took Him all the way to death even when we didn't deserve it.
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And husbands, you need to be willing to die for your wife.
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Literally and metaphorically.
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every single day, laying down your life for her.
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Laying down your rights, husbands.
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Laying down your preferences.
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Laying down your ego.
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Laying down your pride.
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Serving your wife the way Christ serves the church.
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As He did and as He always does.
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In that vein, men, My wife is not "the old lady." We will correct you if we hear that.
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And I have corrected people on that.
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My old lady said this.
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I'm sorry, who are you talking about?
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Who is that?
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My wife. Okay.
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Say my wife, or say her name, but I don't want to hear "the old lady." Okay? I will correct you for that.
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Because that's not honoring.
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She's not the old lady. She's not a nag.
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She's not the ball and chain.
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She is a treasure.
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She is the most precious and important part of your life here on the earth, and you need to treat her like that.
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So you see, you need to get to know your wife.
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Why?
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Well, what if I'm on Jeopardy and my wife is one of the categories?
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That's not why you get to know your wife.
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You see, Peter's point is pretty obvious.
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You get to know your wife so you know how best to serve her needs, right?
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I know her so I know how to honor her.
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asking yourself, okay, based on where my wife is right now, is there something I need to start doing?
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Is there something I need to stop doing?
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Or, radical concept men, you need to ask yourself, does she need me to just listen to her?
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You know, as men, we love our superhero movies, and we try to find ourselves in the role of superhero.
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When our wife has a need, our immediate response is, okay, how can I fix it?
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How can I fix it?
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And many times your wife just wants sympathy.
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She just wants you to care.
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Like, well, how would I know?
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Gently ask her.
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You know, when your wife is sharing things with you and you feel that welling up inside you that I need to fix this, just stop and say, "Honey, is there something that you want me to do?
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Or do you just want to talk about it?" Watch the tone of voice there, guys, okay?
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"You just want to talk about this?" Loving, loving.
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Here's another good statement, another good question, rather.
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Ask your wife this, "What's the best way that I can help you?
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What's the best way that I can help you?" And she might say, "You know, I just want you to listen." And you're like, "Okay, I'm listening." What's the best way that I can help you?
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So men, get to know your wives, and treasure her, and finally, enjoy life with her.
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Enjoy life with her.
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These next couple of statements might seem a little awkward.
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I want to explain what Peter's saying.
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He says, "There heirs with you of the grace of life." What's he talking about here?
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When he talks about the grace of life, he's not referring to salvation.
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That completely goes against the whole context of Peter's teaching.
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He says submit to the ungodly government.
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You can submit to an ungodly boss.
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Wives, submit to your husbands that don't obey the Word.
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line of thinking, husbands, if your wives don't know the Lord. So that goes against the whole context of what Peter's talking about. The word grace literally just means gift. And what Peter's saying is, "Since they are heirs with you of the gift of life." What gift? What gift is he talking about? He's talking about marriage. In other words, God's.
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What Peter's saying is one of the great gifts of life is marriage.
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And husbands, you are to be sharing this gift with your wife.
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Even if she's unsaved, she is an heir of the gift of marriage.
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That's what he's saying.
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God's given this incredible gift.
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And even unsaved people get married can enjoy the gift of marriage. And what Peter's warning against here is this idea well I'm saved and my wife is not so we can't really tighten the knot.
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He's saying enjoy the gift of marriage together. Treat your wife like a fellow heir, not a second-class citizen. Men, don't fall into the mindset I've heard I've heard men say this, not here, I've heard men say this, you know my job is to work, to bring home the money, my wife's job is to take care of the home. When men say that what they're really saying is I have an excuse for not getting involved in home. I have an excuse for not getting involved in my kids lives. I have an excuse for not wanting to talk to my wife when I get home. I've been working all day, I've been bringing the money home and I just want to get my man cave and and hang out and it's time to grow up.
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That is not God's intention for your marriage.
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There's nothing wrong with having a man cave.
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But if that's your escape, so you're not spending time with your wife, then there is something wrong.
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And if I find out that's happening in your home, I will convince your wife to call a contractor and turn that into a powder room.
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Get off this silly notion that, well, I do my part and she does her part.
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No, no, no.
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That's Peter's point here.
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You're co-heirs.
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You're friends. You're partners.
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Actually, the Bible says you're one.
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Two have become one.
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So what's this separation thing all about?
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That's not biblical.
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When you're married, it's not about me.
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Marriage is about us.
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It's about us.
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Genesis 2:24, right?
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shall become one." And this last phrase is interesting. He says, "So that your prayers may not be hindered." What's he talking about? Prayers hindered? Is Peter saying that if I have a rocky marriage, that means that God isn't listening to my prayer? Does that mean that God is up in heaven holding back blessing because my marriage isn't optimal. He's not saying that at all.
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Mark taught us last summer from Ephesians, we have every spiritual blessing in Christ. We already have it. It's been given to us. And access to God in prayer is never based on my performance. It's based on the blood of Jesus Christ. Show me anywhere in the New Testament that says something can get in the way of me praying to God. Jesus opened the door. Jesus paid for that. Not based on my performance, it's based on Jesus' blood. So what's he talking about? Well, back in verse 3, he was giving instructions for wives wanting to win their husbands, because if If you're married to an unsaved person, the number one thing on your heart and your mind is for that person to come to know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, right?
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If you're a wife of an unsaved husband, you want that man to know Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.
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And if you're a man with an unsaved wife, you want her to come to know Christ.
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So what are you praying about?
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What are you praying about?
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praying for the salvation of your wife. That's Peter's point here. He says, "Live this way with your wives so that your prayers may not be hindered." You understand the context now? Live this way with your wives so that your prayers are not hindered. If there's any hindering in our prayers, God isn't the problem. I am.
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And we can hinder our own prayers. We can get in the way of the very thing that that we're asking God for.
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God, please let my wife come to know You.
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God, please let my wife come to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, yet You act like a complete knucklehead at home, and You don't treat her like a treasure, and You're disrespectful to your wife, and You talk down to your wife.
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You're getting in the way of your own prayers.
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Do you see that?
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That's what He's warning us against here.
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Don't let your prayers be hindered.
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Live with your wife this way so that they're not.
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She's not interested if you don't love her the way that God calls you to love her.
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She sees you as trying to be church boy on Sunday, but not Christ-like the rest of the week.
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It's not going to work.
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The way that you're going to win your wife, the way that she's going to Come unto Christ as Peter said to the wives in verse 3.
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You need to be the husband that Christ has called you to be.
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That's what's going to tighten the knot.
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That might even eventually save a soul.
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But men, if you want to rock in marriage, it's on you.
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to step up.
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Peter tells us exactly what that looks like.
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And you need to never stop getting to know your wife.
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You need to treasure her and submit yourself to her needs.
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And you need to make your married life together a joy.
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This is the end of our series, but this certainly at the end of our desire to go after this great gift that God has given us in marriage.
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Let's pray.
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Father in Heaven, we thank You so much for this gift of life that You've given us.
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Father, right now specifically, I want to pray for the men.
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Myself especially.
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Father, You know it's so easy for me.
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I think it's easy for a lot of guys like me to just sort of retreat within and shrink back instead of stepping up.
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To having a love that is passive or a love that is, I guess, implied.
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Because I work and I try to provide.
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Father, You haven't called us to an implied love for our wives.
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You've called us to a passionate, active, on-display love for our wives.
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Father, I'm sure there's some men in this room that need to repent.
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They've been treating their wives like Tupperware.
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Instead of treasuring them like the valuable fine china, the most precious gift that you've given us, we so easily take them for granted.
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I pray today, Father, is a day of repentance.
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I pray today, Father, is a day of forgiveness.
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And I pray today, Father, is a day where the knot gets tightened.
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Only You can do this, Father.
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So I pray Your Holy Spirit stir in every heart so that we would passionately go after the number one mission field that each one of us have.
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right in our own homes, right with our own spouses.
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Father, again, as we've said a few times through this series, we can't do this in our own power.
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So I pray, Father, that this is not a day of I'm just going to try to do things to make her happy.
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And that sort of goes away by Tuesday or Wednesday.
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Pray that today's a day of real transformation.
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and real change.
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Glorify your name, Father.
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Let people see what the relationship between the church and Jesus Christ looks like.
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Let people see that in our marriages.
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That your name is lifted up.
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You are glorified.
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We pray in Jesus' name.
Small Group Questions (Whole Group):
Read 1 Peter 3:7 (Men: Multiple times!!!)
Name some practical ways men can learn more about their wives and how to meet their needs. Ladies, please chime in. We need the help.
What does Peter mean to to honor your wife as the “weaker vessel”? How should that affect the way you think about your wife?
How can our conduct towards our wives hinder our prayers for our wives?
Breakout Questions:
Pray for the marriages (and the singles in the group) to:
grow in oneness
understand our God-given roles
show grace
